Boston Avenue Athletic Club Headquarters- Approximately two months ago it was decided that the B.A.A.C. would take it's band of hooligans to Lawton for the Oklahoma State Cup. The events that transpired have already added to and strengthened the legendary reputation of our fine club. The weekend can be most accurately processed when it's divided into two categories:  OFF FIELD ACTIVITES and ON FIELD ACTIVITIES. So to start, we'll begin with the off field antics.

Here's a run down in a segment we like to call YES or NO:

-Was there drinking? YES
-Over 200 beers in bathtub full of ice? YES
-Recreational drug use? YES
-In a bathtub full of ice? NO
-Was a scab eaten off Brian McCurdy's foot for $6? YES
-Did "Craig" wear a 1989 LL Bean fleece unzipped with no undershirt all weekend? YES 
-Did he vomit in a bouncer's face at a country bar called "Scooter's"? YES
-Did the police come to our motel because of us? YES
-Did they catch/harass us? NO (escaped just in time)
-Were 20 cheeseburgers and 10 orders of fries ordered by one person? YES
-Did one of our players line dance to rap music shirtless? YES
-Was it the one who made $6 earlier in the evening? YES
-Did two of our players fight some military boys? YES
-Did they win? NO
-Was half a bottle of Pedialite beer bonged? YES
-Was Eamon Henson really the only one not to go out? YES (shocked? It's true.)
-Was a good time had by all? YES
-Have I said too much? YUP

All the boys had a great time and Lawton will probably never be the same.

Now for the on field antics. The B.A.A.C. Reserves only had two other teams in their division. A good start was a must and one victory would likely see them through to the final. The opening match was against South Lakes Cosmos, who had been the culprit of their most embarassing moment to date. Two years ago in the state tournament the Reserves led this same squad by a score of 5-0 only to allow a catastrophic 7 unanswered second half goals in and get prematurely bounced out of the '08 State Cup 7-5. There were similarities and differences this time around. The ressies jumped out to 5-0 lead. Seven more goals were also scored after that point. The difference? The ressies scored six of those seven goals. Todd "Tad Gadderd" Goddard went absolutely nuts, scoring six first half goals. Goddard tacked on two more second half tallies to finish the match with a preposterous total of eight goals. 11-1 may be the very definition of a "Good start".

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Because the team the B.A.A.C. Reserves beat had lost their earlier match, the final was technically set. An agreement was reached between Ponca City Cruz Azul and the B.A.A.C. Reserves to skip their scheduled group match and simply play a Sunday final.

 The "little A's" did what they usually do on a Sunday. Show up with nine dudes and stomp the shit out of people. Brian McCurdy stepped on after 10 minutes to give the ressies a tenth man. His impact was immediately felt, as his side footed effort from the top of the box gave the club a 1-0 lead. Eight minutes later Monty Frazier III doubled that lead when his one on one with the goalkeeper was neatly tucked away. Todd Goddard scored from the penalty spot, and at 3-0 it appeared that the ressies were on thier way. Justin Moreland did nothing to help the opposition's hopes when his fine solo effort sent the little A's into halftime up 4-0.

The second half saw the little A's play a fairly conservative brand of footy, and though they did concede a goal and goalkeeper Jacob Rogers was called into action a few times, the most exciting thing about the second half was when Justin Moreland did his father proud by absolutely flattening a Mexican man.

Final Score 4-1. B.A.A.C. Reserves...State Champions

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The B.A.A.C.'s first team's time in Lawton was considerably more difficult than the Reserves, due in part to the fact that the brand of soccer played by the A's is "Not as good", "Slower", or "Crumbier" by comparison to their younger counterparts. Nevertheless, what the A's lack in quality, they more than make up for with their almost deranged competitive nature.

The first match saw the A's paired off against the finest Mexican team in the world from Altus, Oklahoma. Altus Toluca. The match started of well for the A's. Patrick Ryan's long range effort tested the stability of the goal post. Brian Macha went close several times, only to be denied by an array of factors. However, it would be Toluca who would be first on the board. Toluca caught the A's on a counter-attack and took the lead totally against the run of play. In the second half it became evident that Toluca were merely a counter-punching team and if the A's remained organized there would be no great difficulties. So, as you would expect second half was a completely wide open and chaotic affair. With 15 minutes to play Sonny Dalesandro unconvincingly converted a penalty to knot the score at 1-1. Five minutes later his spurned one on one attempt proved to be extremely costly.

"Their forward was clearly offsides" said goalkeeper Eamon Henson

Toluca had scored the winner four minutes from time, against the run of play, and we're very, very offsides.

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The loss in the first match meant that the second match vs. 2006 Soktoberfest champions Lawtow Barcelona was extremely crucial. This was compounded by the fact that they had trounced OKC Strikers 5-2 in their first match.

"Honestly, they were a much better team than Toluca, and I had a feeling they'd beat Toluca when they played" said Andy Kern

The match was much more evenly contested than the first match. Each team tried to go forward and score goals and the soccer was more attractive because of it. Barcelona appeared to have taken the lead until the referee literally came over and explained the definition of "offsides" to his so-called assistant referee and called back the would-have-been opening goal. The A's took advantage shortly after when Brian Macha's effort careened off the post, was trapped by the ungrateful testicles of Dalesandro, and eventually slid into the net. The lead was doubled in the 28th minute and the A's took their 2-0 lead into the break.

The Athletic's took "charity" to a whole new level when they first allowed a man to go unmarked on a corner kick and had their lead cut in half, and second gave away a penalty, all in the first 8 minutes of the second half. The A's did manage to remain composed even though their two goal lead had vanished and their tournament lives had been put at an extreme risk. With twenty minutes remaining Barcelona's central defender committed a clumsy challenge inside of his own box and the B.A.A.C. were awarded a penalty. Dalesandro's second tournament trip to the spot was slightly more convincing than his first, and the goal reinstated the favorable one goal margin. The back-line led by Ryan Harrison, won tackle after tackle and header after header. The always solid Patty Ryan held down the fort in the center of the park, and the A's held off Lawton's version of Barcelona 3-2.

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The third match kicked off at 10:00 a.m. Sunday morning. Our boys' didn't feel well for obvious debauched reasons. The two good things were that OKC Strikers had been beaten 7-0 by Toluca and had been mathematically eliminated, and that Barcelona and Toluca were going to be waging a fierce draining war one field over to help uncover who would be taking a spot in the final.

Ben Aycock has won countless headers on corner kicks over the past few seasons, only to see his efforts turned away by posts, top notch saves, and general bad luck. In 33 matches for the club Ben still un-proudly had not had his cherry "popped". In the 10th minute, Ben brought that streak to a screeching halt. Aycock rose up to meet a Patty Ryan corner kick and thumped his streak of bad luck right into the back of the net. 1-0 A's. The B.A.A.C., with help from a lively Paul Johnson cruised to an easy 3-0 victory, but the question remained, would it be enough to reach the final?

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As Andy Kern had predicted Lawton Barcelona had beaten Altus Toluca, and by the margin of 3-2. This meant that 3 teams had 2-1 records. Altus Toluca secured their place in the final via a superior goal difference. Who would be there opponents? According to O.S.A. rules the first "tie-breaker" is a head-to-head result. That meant that the B.A.A.C. would be allowed the opportunity to avenge their earlier defeat at the hands of Toluca. This time in the Oklahoma State Cup Final.

The final was destined to be ugly. Both teams were on the verge of exhaustion and it was solely the pot 'o gold at the end of the rainbow that was driving both sides.

"We knew going in it was going to be a fight" said A's temporary utility man Ben Fell

"They didn't like us, and we certainly didn't like them"

The game was a mirror image of the first encounter, as the A's applied the early pressure and we're again the victims of a goal against the run of play. Toluca had taken a 1-0 lead, and the A's began to finally show the deflated signs of frustration and fatigue. The true feelings between the two teams came out in the 20th minute when Travis "Traaaavvvvvvvyyyyy" Foust and a member of Toluca were sent off for, what one might call, push fighting. Ten men a-side meant even more to ask from every player, and right before the half, the pressure of this task became seemingly evident as the B.A.A.C. allowed a second goal. And then...that's when "it" happened. A player for Toluca turned to Patrick Ryan and said the magic words, "It's over!"

"It was still the first half, I couldn't actually believe the little prick had said it" said a befuddled Dalesandro

"All I could think was 'How many game's has this dickhead played in where 2-0 in the first half of a game against team that's better than you has constituted "game over"?'"

"They were going to get our best shot...in one way or another, that's all that asshole guaranteed."

The A's went 4-3-2 to start the half with David Pennington and Paul Johnson causing all kinds of fits for Toluca on the left and Patty Ryan doing his best to be literally everywhere at once. With 25 minutes left to play Patty Ryan resuscitated the A's hopes when his sublime free kick flew in from 22 yards out. 2-1. Game over?

With both teams mustering everything they had left the worst possible thing in the world happened. Toluca scored. 3-1. Game over (which was said again!)? Eight minutes left. Probably.

"I won't say that I didn't think we could win...only that my priorities had maliciously shifted" said Patty Ryan.

If there were a contest called "Spend a day with horror tackle legend Victor Moreland", and the criterium was to try and kill someone whilst on a soccer field, Sonny Dalesandro would have wrapped the contest up with his diabolical two footed tackle.

"I tried to two foot him in the neck, but in my old age apparently the hip and ribs is as far as these old legs will go."

"That was the worst tackle I've ever seen." said Justin Moreland

High praise coming from the son of "V Stud".

Just when it couldn't get any worse, with five minutes left, A's center back Ryan Harrison picked up his second yellow card.

3-1. Five minutes left. Eight men left. Wow.

What happened next will never be forgotten as long as this club exists. Greg McKenna threw his own shit on one of their players....Just kidding...it's actually even better. With four minutes left Paul Johnson pounced on a ball in the box, getting just enough power on his shot that the oppostion's keeper could only deflect the effort into his own side netting. 3-2!

"I couldn't believe it" said Travis Foust from afar

"Us 'Red card guys' were escourted five over and I couldn't tell if it had actually counted until they took the kickoff, amazing."

With the kickoff, Toluca strung together the traditional two "Mexican passes", one to their team and then one to ours. The B.A.A.C. put a couple of passes together and lumped a (hopeful at best) ball into Toluca's box, wherein their goalie made an absolute disaster of it! The first attempt was blocked, and then it was just a melee in the box. Bodies flying everywhere. "Last minute of a cup final" type of stuff. That's when Greg McKenna, who by his own admission (barring his face-ball assist in the third match), was bad for the entire weekend, came flying in and fucking smashed the ball into the back of the net! 3-3! The A's backline hoofed the ball out of play two more times and the ref blew the whistle. Penalties awaited.

Eamon Henson had been on fine form for the entire season, but is not renowned as an expert penalty stopper, so when David Pennington saw his opening penalty miss wide, it was up to the old man to right the ship.

"I just took a few deep breaths made myself big, bounced around a bit, read the clues I was given, and made my choice."

Henson guessed correct on the first penalty and was slightly aided by his trusty crossbar and the score remained 0-0 after first Round.

Greg McKenna stepped up and did what Greg McKenna does...Aim approximately one inch either side of the keeper and shoot as hard as he can. It worked! And in the process may or may not have blown their keepers thumb off. Henson came up trumps again making a beautiful save to his left. After two rounds, 1-0 A's.

Patty Ryan stepped up next for the Athletic's. What the hell do you think happened? 2-0 to the good. The man is nearly too cool. Henson guessed correctly again, but his fingertips were only just beaten. After three rounds 2-1 A's.

Reigning "player of the year" Andy Kern stepped up with a chance to apply immense pressure, as a goal would mean that any other A's goal or A's save would end the contest. Unfortunately the Toluca keeper came to the rescue and kept Kerno out. This now presented Toluca with a golden opportunity to tie the shootout up after four rounds. Toluca's fourth penalty was their best penalty of the shootout. A laced effort low to the bottom left corner.

"It's the hardest penalty to save." said A' reserve keeper Jacob Rogers

"A penalty that's placed that well, struck that well, and that tails downward is nearly impossible to keep out"

Henson did though. And with that, after four rounds, 2-1 A's.

Ben Aycock stepped up next with a chance to win the cup. Aycock the lefty waited for the whistle, confidently stepped up, and placed the ball to the keeper's right...

Click Here to Find Out What Happens

Boston Avenue Athletic Club Headquartes- The A's were back to their winning ways as predicted after a resounding 7-0 thumping of cellar dwellers F.C. United Thursday night. Several neat things happened...

The A's jumped out to a quick 3-0 lead, which is neat. Wanna know something else neat? Matt McFeely picked out 61 year old David "Dad" Kern inside the six yard box. He missed. But, wouldn't that have been neat?

"The board have had talks about if 'Dad' were to score, and it's a heated and divided issue" said club president Dalesandro

"Half the board believe the club should have the largest party possible to celebrate such an occasion, the other half believe that the club should immediately be dissolved upon this happening, simply because life couldn't possibly get any better, like I said it's a fiercely heated topic of debate, and rightly so."

Fifteen seconds before half blue collar midfielder Justin Christian sent in a beautiful ball that was neatly tucked away by Dalesandro. Always neat when "little pistol starter" gets a dime.

Halftime 4-0...neat.

In the second half Greg McKenna lifted all 238 pounds of himself up to meet a corner kick and notched his second goal in as many games. Neat. McKenna later missed an open net from literally 4 yards away with no pressure. Terribly unskilled, but at the same time...pretty neat (in a fascinating and sucky way). Dalesadro scored directly off of a corner. Unintentional. Nevertheless, neat. Travis Foust just missed out on "Goal of the year" when his bicycle kick missed by the narrowest of margins. Neat. Andy Kern scored. Neat. Fuzz made a late appearance on the field, beat two players and saw his effort whiz just wide. Trust me...NEAT. The A's romped, our lady fans looked beautiful as always, and if you can't get laid after winning 7-0, then there is one thing that you are not.....COOL. Gotcha.

The A's play rivals Alliance Sunday and it's worth noting that Paul Johnson's mother Libby will be the honorary team captain.

Boston Avenue Athletic Club Headquarters- Our club is called many things. "Pricks" and "Assholes" are the first to jump to mind. Sunday as the A's faced off against the joint league leaders and also a squad consisting of mostly "Ramirez's and Gonzalez's", (download the roster if necessary at neoasa.org) "Fisticuffers" was a probable canidate for words that do not presently exist, but that will very soon in order to give people an accurate depiction of how we handle certain encounters on the field. Usually this sort of match-up results in the kicking of the player who dances the most and us yelling our broken kitchen/landscaping Spanish at the oppositions players and followers. Today, to everyone's surprise, that was not the case.

"The other team were ok dudes" said a sidelined and wasted Ben Fell

"First of all they started the match with 7, which we liked, and then they played a very direct style...not the usual center back megging a forward unnecessarily and then their contingent screaming 'Ole!' and acting like it was worth some sort of point that we don't know about."

"They just lumped it up the park all day long...and didn't bitch, simple as that."

The B.A.A.C. were off to a flying start with their 4 man, game time advantage when on 7 minutes Patty Ryan picked out an onrushing Greg McKenna, who chested the ball into his own shooting path and stroked the ball home giving the A's a 1-0 advantage. A lapse in concentration allowed the now 9-man St. Thomas ADA boys to equalize on a header at the far post. 1-1. The A's quickly drew their 3rd penalty of the season following the equalizer. 2-1. Unfortunately the other team had a Ford F-150 with the word "Calderon" written in half-circle italic font show up, and five gentlemen quickly streamed out of various places within the magical truck. Score still 2-1, man advantage dead and gone. With two minutes left to play in the half the even strength opposition knotted the score at 2 all.

One would think that a rapidly aging B.A.A.C. squad squaring off against a younger, and now, full strength opposition would be a recipe for trouble. Honestly speaking...the Athletic's looked like the better side. Dalesandro went close to start the half. Patty Ryan had a point blank effort blocked. Travis Foust and Brian Macha each saw their efforts kept out. And although St Thomas ADA pressured the A's backline, they were unsuccessful in producing any real quality chances. The match ended in a draw, but the A's came away feeling confident from having played so well for the course of an entire match.

"We're already sorta like old punch drunk boxers" said midfielder Patty Ryan

"so outplaying these younger kids over the course of the second half will only help feed the illusion that we can play with quality teams deep into matches, which is probably good"

The draw moved the B.A.A.C. Reserves into sole possession of 1st place in the league tables, and that much closer to the Northeastern Oklahoma Adult Soccer Association 1 million dollar Spring championspayout.

The first team face off with league whipping post F.C. United Thursday night. Here's a sneak peak of that article: A's Apply Generic Ass Whooping to Team with Ultra Generic Name.

Boston Avenue Athletic Club Headquarters- Here's the tale of the tape:

B.A.A.C. Reseves-
Average age: 24.2
Players who played in college/professionally: 18/18
Goals per game: 6.5
Goals Allowed per game: 1.25
League titles: 4
Motto: Just try and show up...and laugh for 90 minutes

B.A.A.C.-
Average age: 29.4
Players who played in college/professionally: 6/20
Goals per game: 2.5
Goals allowed per game: 0.25
League titles: 1 (2nd division)
Motto: Fuck I'm wasted

     This match is always one of the most enjoyable of the season for both squads. No malicious tackles. No douche bags. Drinking during play. Most importantly, drinking after play. That being said, the two teams entered into the match with 4-0-1 records and tied on points atop the league table. Close game? Fuck no!

"Do you know how fast Dave Leung is?" rhetorically asked asked left back Dr. Tommy Kern

     The Ressies took the lead on 10 minutes when some quick combination play freed Todd Goddard who slotted home to open the scoring/floodgates. Very unfortunately the next two goals were scored by first team old-boy Jason "Ruin your night" Rogers. The first team were justly awarded and converted a penalty, which made the scoreline a respectable 3-1...Unfortunately there were 45 more minutes.

     There were two bets worth noting in the match. Sonny Dalesandro now wears a mustache (Pictures to follow) and Todd Goddard did not have to shave his head. This bet was simply made on who would win the match. Essentially dumb and proud vs. excellent and reasonable. The second bet was made between the Bixby High school coaches (aka Brian McCurdy and Greg McKenna). It involved a 30 pack of beverages resting on whether McCurdy could claim a goal or not. It might be a bit much to say that McKenna won the bet seeing as "man of the match" Eamon Henson recorded a club record 18 saves (one notable full strech stop denying McCurdy and several others keeping the wager in McKenna's favor), and McCurdy hitting the post from two yards away. Drink up McKenna. Henson was beaten three times in the second stanza, but served his club more than well. Daniel Dittus accidentally broke his good friend Travis Foust's collarbone with a beautiful sliding challenge.

"Shit happens, he's already bought me a beer" said Traaaavvvvie<---(pronounced as if said by a crusty hippie who drives a land cruiser, hacky sacks, plays ultimate, and calls pizza 'za'),  when asked about the tackle

     With the last kick of the ball Ben Fell finished off a pinpoint Jordan McKenzie cross and 6-2 would be the final of this season's inter-club match. A good time was had by all...sorta.

"I miss the fighting and shirt pulling" said expert Josh Knipfer

"It's a little different when I pull on a shirt that I might well have to wear next weekend"

Good point Knip. Good point.   

Boston Avenue Athletic Club Headquarters- The A's are atop the league tables after a 2-1 comeback victory over Hibernian Wednesday night. The A's defense was breached for the first time this season in the 18th minute when a miscommunication led to Hib's taking a 1-0 lead.The B.A.A.C. had the better portion of the possession in the first stanza but only a few chances were created. The "Howler" of the season award was most most like claimed when A's forward Sonny Dalesandro spurned a chance from literally 3 yards away...perfect pass...open net. Idiot.

Halftime: 1-0

In the second half the A's continued to pile on the pressure , and in the 74th minute the pressure finally paid dividends. A neat little ball from Travis Foust found the feet of reigning "Player of the year" Andy Kern, whose deft pass found an onrushing Dalesandro who partially atoned (full atonement will take a few more goals, it was a horrendous miss) for his earlier miss by slotting home the equalizer. 1-1. Game on. With eight minutes remaining Hibs had their center back sent off for a "poorly timed", "studs up", "tackle from behind" that was deemed illegal and grounds for dismissal. With a man advantage the Athletic's really turned up the pressure and with 5 minutes to play they were rewarded with a penalty kick. Hibernian handled a ball sent into the box by Patty Ryan...and the stage was set for the 3 points. Penalty converted. 2-1 A's. The D held serve as they have all season long and the A's now sit atop the table.

"I'm really sorry about the miss", said A's forward Dalesandro after the match.

"When you miss a chance as golden as that it can really make you question your quality as a player. I know I'm sorta crappy out there, but not THAT crappy. I'd like apologize to my teammates and the family of Jason Ganus, who raised a son capable of playing a ball of such quality"

The A's may or may not play their reserve team this Sunday at 7:00. It's "in the works".

Boston Avenue Athletic Club Headquarters-  On April 22, 2007 DTU handed the B.A.A.C. the most lopsided defeat in the rivalry's well-documented history when they dumped the A's 5-0. Sunday the favor was returned.

The Athletic's took the bull by the horns from the opening whistle and on 8 minutes had the lead. DTU's free kick was confidently corralled by Henson whose pinpoint punt (try saying that 10 times fast) was flicked wide to a streaking Andy Kern, Kern took one touch and put Paul Johnson in one on one, the quality of Johnson's right footed finish surprised everyone, most of all Paul Johnson. One-nil to the good. Five minutes later, Dalesandro doubled the lead and notched his fourth tally of the campaign. Then came the "feel good" story of the season. After being on the rack injured for almost a year, A's skipper Ben Fell made his long awaited return. Having been on the field for less than five minutes Fell took a pass in the box from Travis Foust and proceeded to smash the ball into the bottom left corner. Fell's resounding finish completed his comeback and dashed DTU's hopes all in one swing of his surgically repaired right peg.

Halftime 3-0

The second half was more of the same. Here are some facts: Greg McKenna cleared a ball high into a tree that hung above the field and did not go out for a throw in...which was funny. Travis Foust continued to squander premium chances. Sonny Dalesandro joined him. Patrick Ryan deserved a goal or two, didn't happen. The A's back four remained impenetrable, posting shutout number 3 in as many matches (knock on wood). The ever so sexy Dr. Brian Macha scored his first goal of the season. Tommy Kern shouted "Tommy's ball" at the top of lungs 9 times, winning the ball 4 of those times. McFeely fouled people at tactially opportune/inopportune times...as usual. And finally, Ben Fell subbed on for Patrick Ryan, took one touch, and smashed in his second of the game. It was a beautiful day that ended in a beautiful way. Poetic.

In a post match interview, DTU's Lawrecnce Dill hinted at their club's despair when asked about the recent run of results versus B.A.A.C..

"There's no one team that we hate losing to more...or simply hate"

DTU's last victory came in the now infamous 5-0 thrashing on...wait for it...APRIL 22, 2007. AWESOME!

Take that. Dicks.

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Boston Avenue Athletic Club Headquarters- Last Sunday A's goalkeeper Eamon Henson bagged the highest honor that can be bestowed upon a B.A.A.C. member when was given the club's "Man of the Year" award. The criteria for said award is predominantly unknown, but being a total bad-ass most certainly makes up the better part of it. Sunday's season opening match was the first time Henson would slip his mits as the reigning "Man of the Year" and Henson made a huge statement and also strengthened his case to be the first ever back to back winner, when in the 18th minute he went right through the oppositions center forward...on a breakaway...and was immediately sent off. Ladies and gentlemen...I give you Eamon Henson.

   The A's continued to create the better opportunities and even though they were out-manned were still the superior side. One perfectly weighted Patty Ryan through ball later and the Athletic's took a seemingly commanding 1-0 lead into the halftime break.

   The B.A.A.C. survived a couple of scares throughout the match and stand in/former "Player of the Year'' Fuzz made two fine saves between the pipes to keep the opposition at bay. On 62 minutes a deflected pass in the box was slotted home and The B.A.A.C. lead was doubled. In retrospect the A's probably could have done the business with 8 or 9. The result was never in question. With ten minutes to play Ben Aycock won a tackle in the center circle, Greg McKenna collected the ball and played in Sonny Dalesandro, who slotted home to put the game on ice.

   The A's play host to Athletico Owasso's arch rival next week when they play Real Owasso at the Vet at 3:00 pm.

   It should be noted that though not playing for the final 72 minutes of the match, Eamon Henson managed to dispose of 11 beers and a pack and a half of smokes. "Man of the Year".

	VS

Boston Avenue Athletic Club Headquarters- The B.A.A.C. reserves have won the first division...again. This didn't come as a surprise to anyone (fourth title in as many seasons). What did shock the league a bit was the fact that the first team equaled it's highest ever top flight finish by coming in second. A #1, #2 sweep. Beautiful.

Securing second spot in the tables meant the A's had to defeat bitter rivals DTU. Add in that one year ago the A's won their first ever league title at DTU's expense in the season finale and the tables were once again set for one of the country's fiercest matches.

The man of the match contest was settled after about 20 minutes. The opposition's goalkeeper made literally 25 saves in the first 20 minutes and just when the A's began to get frustrated, DTU scored and compounded the situation. The Athletic's continued to pressure, and drew level ten minutes before the half. Just before the break a new applicant for  "Goal of the year" arrived. Josh "Hat trick Hamilton" Knipfer gave the A's the lead when his outside of the right footed bomb found the top corner of the net from 30 yards out.

Halftime 2-1

The second continued to be a one man show. That man...Lawrence Dill. 'Who's Lawrence Dill?' you may ask. Well Lawrence Dill is the gloveless magician that kept the B.A.A.C. at bay all evening long. Stat-tracker's official save count saw Dill record 631 saves.

"The score could have easily been eight or ten to one." said injured winger Jordan McKenzie

"It had to have been the finest performance from a man wearing no gloves, a do-rag, under armour, and football cleats ever."

Meanwhile Eamon Henson was fighting another battle. His battle was one with concentration. At 2-1 the game was by no means over. Henson needed to remain sharp, and in the final 15 minutes he was exactly that. Henson pulled off two quality saves to help retain the A's one goal advantage. With a few minutes left recent 'call-up' and reserve team Captain Brian McCurdy iced the game and broke his maiden with one swing of his right boot.

A fitting end to a triumphant campaign for the club. Your B.A.A.C. Athletics...1st...and 2nd place. Banquet dates and times forthcoming.

	VS

Boston Avenue Athletic Club Headquarters- Alliance and the B.A.A.C. have been rivals for nearly five years. During the span of this rivalry there have several red cards, two fights, a bunch of close matches, and one memorable 5-0 blowout. The 5-0 nothing victory came when Alliance only had 9 men show up for the match, and a then merciless Athletic's team pulled no punches. So when Sunday's match kicked off and the A's only had eight men, the air had the putrid stench of revenge in it.

   The B.A.A.C. started in a traditional attacking 2-4-1 formation while people frantically called truant players. Matt McFeely confirmed he could be there at halftime, but by the time that was confirmed Alliance had already pounced on the undermanned A's. The ref awarded the B.A.A.C. a penalty a few minutes later and something odd but not entirely surprising happened.
 
   "They've always been real pieces of crap, but they totally cemented their status as classless twats" said A's Keeper Eamon Henson
 
   Before A's skipper Sonny Dalesandro took his penalty, a younger (we'll call him hispanic) player walked into the box, up to the ball, took his gum out and threw it onto the ball. Of course Dalesandro took exception to this action and pushed the player aside. Once this happened, all of their (hispanic) players (which was all of their players) rushed into the box and WWWIII nearly erupted. Once the two sides had been separated Dalesandro chose power over placement and drove a poorly placed penalty past/through the opposition's (hispanic) goalkeeper. The large task of playing three men down continued to take its toll on the Athletic's and eventually...after several big Henson saves...Alliance broke through...twice.

Halftime 3-1

   Matt McFeely showed up at halftime and his presence restored a bit of hope, but physically, the damage had been done. The Athletic's fought valiantly but were ultimately flat for the whole second half and were not only forced to watch Alliance play some of the most god awful soccer, but also forced to watch it succeed.
 
   "I didn't before, but I know now what hell is" quipped Josh Knipfer.
 
    Alliance went on to score twice more and the match ended 5-1.
  
   "Hell is having to play that game for eternity, watching them be assholes, and us being short players and having to be around them (hispanics) as they falsely think the way they're playing is really super great (muy guapo)".

   The B.A.A.C. finishes it's campaign with arch rivals DTU Wednesday night. A win would see the club finish the season in second place...behind the B.A.A.C. reserves. A 1-2 sweep so to speak.
 

   Boston Avenue Athletic Club Headquarters- Men's league team Soco's are several things. Younger than the B.A.A.C...YES.  Better at soccer than the B.A.A.C....Probably. And total asshole jerkoffs...TOTALLY. With the Athletics disciplinary track record against anyone (church league teams, youth teams, women's teams...etc, etc) being what it is, this was surely not a game for the light hearted.

   The first half was primarily hard tackling and shit talking. The Highlight when A's forward Sonny Dalesandro responsed to their goalkeeper's witty remark of "Why don't you go suck your dad's dick?" with "Because his birthday was yesterday". The lowlight being them scoring the half's only goal.

Halftime 1-0

   The second half will arguably go down in club annuls as one of the finest ever played by the B.A.A.C.. It started with Henson.

   "Eamon was solid all day, but he was massive in the second half" said A's forward Jason Ganus.

   Ryan Harrison anchored the backline and helped keep the opposition at bay while Matt McFeely raised his game and began to dominate in the midfield. The surprise of the day was the play of makeshift left midfielder and man of the match Kevin 'Fuzz' Coleman.

   "Fuzz's effort today was heroic, he was the most intense player on the field (ironic given his normal demeanor), and he was unbelievably useful on the ball" said a jubilant Coach Charlton from 5,000 miles away.

   "He kept possession, tackled hard, and made sharp passes. 'What more can you ask from the backup goalkeeper?'"

   With 15 minutes to play the A's saw their fortunes and the scorline turn when the opposition deflected a cross into their own net. At 1-1, the game got increasingly chippy. Tackles and insults both flying around like singles at the nudie bar. However, in the 81st minute half of the shit talking ceased when Matt McFeely's 30 yard bomb of a free kick flew into the top corner. Glorious. McFeely and the A's didn't stop there though. With 4 minutes to play "Man of the Match' "Fuzz" started the break when his perfectly weighted through ball found a streaking Matt McFeely, McFeely forced the goalkeeper to commit and then played the ball across the face of goal where Dalesandro finished the move. Game, Set, Match, shut the fuck up, see ya next year assholes.

    The A's next match was against old rivals Alliance (I say "was" because it's already happened...oooooooh....stay tuned)

ELITE FC

VS

Boston Avenue Athletic Club Headquarters- The B.A.A.C. downed table toppers Elite 1-0 Sunday at Veterans Park. Elite is a faction of B.A.A.C. nemesis DTU, which made putting a dent in their title hopes twice as sweet.
 
Aside from the A's staunch defense, the game was terribly boring (other than a near marine attack). Ryan Harrison and Greg McKenna were outstanding in the back and Goalkeepers Eamon Henson and Fuzz made big saves every time they were called into action.
 
The goal was scored when the Elite goalkeeper's clearance was blocked into the net. Typical for the match.
 
Other than a marine having some sort of war flashback during the match, really nothing else happened.
 
The A's take on league asshole's Soco's next Sunday at the Vet.

Boston Avenue Athletic Club Headquarters- The Athletic's saw off a feisty Whitecaps side 5-3 Sunday. Nothing very exciting or comical occurred during the match. The 'Caps did have one center defender who looked like Sgt. Slaughter and the other was a Jamaican named "Herbie"...so I guess that's kinda funny.

The A's took the lead in the 17th minute when white hot Andy Kern found the corner of the net...again. Kern's 4th goal in 2 games gave the A's a short-lived lead. The Whitecaps equalized 5 minutes later and the two sides entered half-time knotted at 1.

The second half was the most entertaining in years for the A's. The Whitecaps "crossed" a ball into the net in the 49th minute thus giving them a 2-1 lead. They then proceeded to kick the ball as far out of bounds as possible every time it was near the sidelines. This worked well until the 60th minute...when the A's equalized (2-2). Now that the ball was being kept in play, the A's continued to further assert their dominance, and in the 64th minute a Matt McFeely shot/pass was neatly re-directed home by forward Jason Ganus giving re-establishing a 1 goal lead (3-2). A pinpoint cross from Andy Kern was nodded in, giving the B.A.A.C. their first two goal lead(4-2)...which was cancelled out three minutes later (4-3). With the result again in question A's forward Sonny Dalesandro finished the 'Caps off with a well struck effort to the far post (5-3).

The result will hopefully provide the right amount of confidence to propel the club to their third consecutive Soktoberfest title.

Boston Avenue Athletic Club Headquarters- Confusion ran rampant throughout the media until a post game press conference as The B.A.A.C. were defeated by their younger and far less experienced (in life) Reserve team. Club's traditionally have a three tier system wherein the "Youth" team players work their way into the "Reserve" team, and from there a spot on the coveted "First" or "Senior" team is the goal. So you see a result where a club's Reserve team defeats it's first team "traditionally" seems disastrous.

"They seemed quicker than us today" quipped reigning player of the year Kevin "Fuzz" Coleman.

"For 24 and 25 year olds they seemed athletically mature, imagine how good they'll be when they're in their athletic prime...like 'Dad' (club records show that David "Dad" Kern turns 61 in February)".

The senior club drew expected first blood by capitalizing on a questionable clearance out of the back. Everything seemed in order. The reserves quickly bounced back by scoring back to back free kicks. From there the 9-man reserves continued to pile on the pressure scoring two more goals before A's striker Jason Ganus tallied right before the break.

Halftime: 2-4

The second half was more of the same as the relentless 9-man reserves continued their surprising dominance. The Senior team's defense was breached time and time again and were lucky to only concede a total of 3 second half goals. A suspect penalty was awarded to the first team and ended up being the final kick of the ball.

Final score: 3-7

Immediately following the match, under-fire club President Sonny Dalesandro sat down with reporters and candidly attempted to explain the result.

"When our fine club was established almost five years ago, it stood for three very important things...Booze, women, 'partying', fighting, soccer, and camaraderie. And it was this scale to which all of our teams would be measured"

"It's true that our reserve team has won four consecutive Division 1 titles and are arguably the most talented team in Oklahoma in the last five years...but, ask yourself...'How many times a week do they wake up in their own vomit?', 'Do they go to the doctor when it burns to urinate or do they go to the bathroom cabinet?'"

"I'm not saying our reserves are cut from a different cloth, in fact a story of two ressies 'Eiffel Towering' a chick earned those two lads a brief spell with the first team for some pre-season friendlies".

"Our standards are very high here (morals extremely low), So while you, the press, may question the end result of today's match, I for one was rather proud to see an effort from a Senior squad who may or may not have shagged a sheep in a Wal-mart last night while drunk on something made in a bath-tub in Collinsville, stole a taxi, fell asleep at Veterans Park, and got out of that same cab and played 90 minutes. So I now ask you...which team, by our pre-set standards, would you call the 'First team'?"

The A's, barring jail time and rehab, will face Tulsa Whitecaps next week at 3:00 p.m..

Boston Avenue Athletic Club Headquarters- The A's 9-1 triumph over F.C.
United is the the most lopsided victory in outdoor 11-a-side club history (19-1
over Whirling Dervish indoors & 12-2 over this F.C. United team in 7-a-side
match) and fuck was it fun.

There were two hat-tricks in the match. The first by by A's forward Sonny
Dalesandro, whose Saharan goal-scoring drought was finally brought to an end
(though he should have had seven). The second hat-trick was tallied by none
other than "Mr. Johnny on the spot" Andy Kern.

"The guy just hangs around and scores goals, he's without any dominant offensive
traits, and yet season after season he gives hope to 34 year olds everywhere by
chipping in a few beauties" said injured A's captain Ben Fell.

"He could average 3 goals and 5 dimes 'til he was 50"

Jason Ganus scored his first two goals of the campaign and rising star Matt
McFeely dropped another bomb and had a hand in setting up another.

Most of the B.A.A.C. had the flu, Jason Ganus had to leave early to go to
work (as usual), and the A's were without a goalkeeper. None of the above
mattered, the club romped, and will most likely do so again when they square off
against their own reserve team...by definition...right?

Boston Avenue Athletic Club Headquarters- When I received the newswire whilst on holiday revealing that the A's had bested league rival Arsenal, my article virually wrote itself. "4-2" it read, "McKenzie, McCann, and McKenna(2)" the goalscorers, "Coleman and Henson 45 minutes each in goal"...it was just a fill in the blanks sort of deal. Here's how I saw it (and how it probably did) go down....

Arsenal usually enter this fixture with a field full of exhausted players, due to them playing a premiership match just hours prior to kickoff. Noone reconizes a weakness in another man like club fireball Jordan McKenzie, and on 14 minutes he scored a goal that is rivalled only by the runs of Maradona ('86) and Messi ('09). McKenzie collected a barely cleared corner kick at the top of his own box and turned, only to see the red of Arsenal jerseys in his path. Rather than clear the ball and allow the Athletic's to regain their defensive shape, McKenzie began to run at players. First skipping past van Persie and Arshavin, then two step-overs were enough to see his way clear of Fabergas, Vermaelen probably fouled McKenzie but the fiery red head waqs determined to stay up, did, and went at the last defender(Gallas). Jordan calmly megged Gallas, pulled a pinch-hitter out of his soccer shorts, took the biggest hit of weed known to man, and smashed the
ball into the top left corner past Vito Mannone. 1-0 B.A.A.C.

I'm sure Austin and Greg's goals were nice too.

   Boston Avenue Athletic Club Headquarters- Let's talk call up's. What does it take to get called up from the B.A.A.C. Reserves to the B.A.A.C. first team? For Greg McKenna his recall was earned when after a 6 month (study a broad) program in Spain he returned with an unquenchable thirst for digustingly cheap beer and slightly cheaper whiskey five to seven nights a week. Called up. Pat "I play in 16 bands" Ryan's last 11 months have consisted of the world's longest music tour wherein only 5 states were involved, but Patty took this opportunity to drink PBR's 'til 5 in the morning on a tour bus every night, all the while surviving solely on ramen, birdseed, and sand for sustenance. End result...Called up!

   With two old boys returning to the fold, the A's line-up appeared revamped, solidified, and prepared to take on a Sporting F.C. side whom they dispatched in penalties in the B.A.A.C. Invitational. After 18 minutes and a 2-0 lead that certainly seemed to be the case.

   You know when you have to shit and you know it's going to be really ugly and gross and cost your team one point in soccer? Yeah, The A's did that 3 times.

   The A's drew a penalty to equalize at 3's and then with 10 minutes to play Matt "McFeelybrah" McFeely unleashed a left footed bomb that is an early contender for goal of the season. The Athletic's killed the rest of the match off and held on for their first 3 points of this, the '09 fall campaign.

   The B.A.A.C. gets a week off after the victory due to labor day. Be on the lookout for some douchey soccer style dudes trying to drink 'til they piss. 

WAAADDDUUUP HOLMES!!! It is sooo fade tight how you keep logging on the interwebs to pimp this realness. Yoooo, this week's list is even better than the last. My game just keeps getting tighter. Consequently, so will yours if you get into this shizz as instructed. And, away we go...

1) Slick Rick. They call him the Ruler. He made pirate style the shit long before that candy ass Johnny Depp got all Disney Ride movie on us. Just look at homeboy's eye patch and all that dope ass pirate booty he is wearing:

I mean, damn! That is some realness they couldn't even make anymore. "Tell your mother 'bout your lover or so your best friend." Word.

2) Jesus. He's pretty cool. Not so much as a Biblical figure, but as kind of a cool guy I hang out with in the movies of my mind. I imagine that Jesus would sip some wine, give me some dope ass advice about broads or wearing sandals or walking on water and then just flies away on some sweet fictitious animal. Like that weird fucking pseudo dragon from that movie "The Never Ending Story." Peep this... I just drew this shit to show ya'll what I am seeing in the movies of my mind:

See how sweet that shit would be? Damn, I love how Jesus is in the movies of my mind.

3) The movies of my mind. Just talking about them makes me realize how dope my shit truly is. Like I could totally play you all three Ghostbuster movies in the dopest high definition you've ever seen if you could just crawl inside the annals of my being. See? Big words are not something that you hype beasts should be afraid of incorporating into your steez. No need to get all Asher Roth and dumb yo' self down just to fit a fake ass mold. KnowwhatImean? Look at your boy, D Pizz. I just leave those thoughts in El Segundo and pop myself down on my mental Lazy Boy to enjoy the movies of my mind.

4) Kelly Kapowski. The other day I thought about you, remembered how hot you were, got a slight chubby, decided to rub one out based on photos I found of you via Google and determined that there was little to no shame in admitting any of this. Word. Kelly Kapowski piece.

5) Michael Jackson. Sorry you passed away, holmes... Human Nature is that make-out shit I always turn on the first time I bring some strange home. So, thanks for influencing all that ass I get.

6) Brad Pitt in Snatch. Can't understand a word this nig piece says the entire moive outside of "Caravan," but dude is cool as fuck. Word. Caravans.

7) USMNTP. That shizz stands for US Men's National Team Piece. They beat that Spanish Armada whilst in South Africa. I credit their Captain, Carlos Brokeassniggra. With a g'd up name like that, how can you not win something?

8) Zac Efron. Look, mufucka, this universe ain't big enough for the both of us. You walk around like you are cooler than the other side of the pillow, but I was doing that same shit like ten years ago. So, quit grabbin' yo dick and admit you just want to be me. Unless you are grabbin' yo bozack because Kelly Kapowski is in front of you. In which case, I totally understand.

My fucking name is Jason Rogers. That's me on the left. You are a wanker and this is the list of fucking things I hate this week!!!!

1) Statuatory Rape Laws. Do you laws have any fucking idea how many totally dope times you have cost me? FUCK OFFFFFF!!!

2) Kaka. Your name sounds like a bowel movement and if you are worth $92,000,000 then I am worth a gazillion, tillion dollars. Almost priceless in fact. I hate you poopy name.

3) Blue and green wigs. Do you cunts even realize how bad you suck compared to red wigs?

4) Lids. Yeah, the hat store in the mall. Why don't you faggots just give me them shits for free? Check my myspace, my facebook and my twitter accounts. You'll find pictures of me with any number of hats turned at a variety of angles. And where do you think I get those hats? So, a fucking free hat once in a while wouldn't kill you.

5) Andrei Arshavin. Those stupid fucking ruskie faces you make after completing the simplest pass make me want to kill the entire population of the planet Uranus. I have taken Kaka's bigger than you. I am going to sneak into your house one night and give you a tillion Botox injections so that tiny face of yours never moves again.

This was Jason Rogers, you fucking wanker... And I'll be angry again very soon!

"Oh, my! There you are, my lovely. I've just been leisurely waiting for you over this, my bottle of champagne, the second. As you can see, I've been here in the Canaries for what seems like an eternity already. I've soaked up so many rays that I have broken three pairs of designer sunglasses and used up four bottles of baby oil to achieve my award winning glow. As you can see I am wearing a blazer with jeans... You know what that means."

"I must tell you, my darling, that my love-making is like an anonymous postcard. You are intrigued by its country of origin. You are impressed with how it has travailed the globe. And then you squeal with delight upon realization that something so generously given to you could have been given to anyone.

I am a sensual delicacy. I am the foie gras of the bedroom. I am the escargot of the horizontal mambo. This, my sweet, is the sherbert before sleepy time. As you can simultaneously see and hear, I am ready to introduce you to passion and connection. Let us retire to the villa... And, please pay the check, my love..."

WHAAADDDUP HOLMES?!?!?!?! It's so tight that you logged on to them interwebs to check out the newest column for the BAAC. Every month-ish, I am going to be telling you my top five to ten pimp shits of the week in order to help you learn how A's become G's. This is so hood it might even make Dunkstivus Crane log on to remind him of what he inspires all of us to be... On with the show:

1) Miller High Life. Oft forgotten but so beautiful when rediscovered, the champagne of beers is that ill shit. And those commercials with that black guy doing his best "Delivery Costanza" is real talk. Livin' the High Life. That's my man!

2) African Bambaataa. A Legend. When I retire, I totally plan on moving to Planet Rock, because it's a place where the nights are hot and nature's children dance and set a chance. I've been doing that bounce and pounce since Jumpstreet, so it should come as no surprise that Bambaataa makes the list every time.

3) Check out the fish this kid caught...

Such an impressive fish... No wonder all those hoes are totally kickin' it around that huge salmon piece that kid's got. You'll get it. Give it time.

4) Tomas Ujfalusi. Weird name, right? Howevere, this dude has such stones to pose in this totally homer erotic photo op with his wife piece. Check out the evidence:

Look at her thong piece though. That's real nice. Prolly, yeah totally prolly, why he did the shoot. That thong piece.

5) Zaquisha. Nigga, stop stealing my steez. I know I'm fire, but this is just trying too hard. Enjoy your little Vanessa Huginkiss joint with her huge bush piece at the Lakers game and let me do my thing in the Midwest. I'll see you next month, playa.

Here's a recap: Matt McFeely scored his first goal in an A's shirt, Kern and Fell continued their fine form, each scoring a goal. Dalesandro did not score(again) a goal but did deservedly get kicked in the chode. Fuzz looked handsome in nets. Pennington and Cermak teamed well on the left. Several more players were in attendance.

Final score: 3-2 A's. Yeahhh. The game was like a week ago.

Several patterns that have emerged this season continued on. Such as....28 year old Jason Ganus missing the match due to homework/spring break, Jordan McKenzie pushing an opponent for simply being younger than him, and injured skipper Ben Fell yelling at his teammates to 'shoot' from the sidelines regardless of where they are on the field.

Even at 4-1 Matt Morgan was tremendous in the midfield and also set a personal record by showing up for his 5th match of the season (besting his previous mark of 4). Eamon Henson let in two clangers, but in saying that, also pulled off two world class saves. And Andy Kern managed to find out where the right place at the right time was, get there, and slot home his second goal in 3 matches.

So not all bad for the A's as they continue there journey towards relegation, Hell with these signs of improvement they might win promotion after suffering relegation and I can wrtite this same article again.

Boulder F.C. are a superior team to the B.A.A.C. in a lot of ways. Mostly skill, speed, vision, age, passing, shooting, defending, shit jersey wearing, dribbling, not drug doing, stamina, finishing, set pieces, and height, but when a solid B.A.A.C. hangover wears off, there is a lot of heart out on the field. Sundays 3:00 p.m. kickoff helped said hangover wear off. Boulder dominated the majority of the first half but had only two clear cut chances come from the domination (a well saved shot and a simple header at the back post). The A's managed a couple of half chances of their own and even forced the goalkeeper into action a time or two. With neither team finding a goal in the first stanza the A's went into halftime well chuffed with the score knotted at 0-0.

Even though the Athletic's had the kickoff to begin the second half, Boulder managed to see an attempt flash just wide of goal approximately nine seconds into the half. Twenty minutes into the half "it" happened. Boulder scored, and when they did, the proud parents of the goal scorer proceeded to voice their support via the horn of their rented PT Cruiser (I like to think it was their version of really fucking up a rental (horn over-use)). This was no regular honk, or series of honks, or da-da-da-da-da...da-da. No, this was over twenty seconds of continuous PT Cruiser style power honking.

"It was amazing, I've never felt so completely emasculated and yet at the same time, so totally embarrassed for someone in my entire life, I mean I guess it could have been a Miata." said perplexed yet grateful Jordan McKenzie

"It was like having my face rubbed in shit, but not regular shit, shit shaped like a flower and with rhinestones in it and also a disco ball with techno music playing in it. Not at all like my shits which are comprised of mostly potatoes and venison sausage, sausage that I shot to death with my goddamned 12 gauge"

Andy Kern was fouled in the box and forgot to go down (damned ethical Kerns), they hit the post, and forced Henson in action several times, but really at the end of the day, who cares? No one from B.A.A.C. camp gleefully honked a PT Cruiser horn as a form of support, and those are the types of victories the club is shooting for this season.

Final Score 1-0

The A's take on a team next Sunday whose name alone rivals the honking of the PT Cruiser horn when they go toe to toe with the Slum Dog Millionaires at Veterans park at 1:00 p.m.. Why not call the team Liberace's Poolboys?

Footnote: Kevin "Fuzz" Coleman was at Coachella

The weather was reminiscent of a Ukrainian November evening, which probably favored the A's in the sense that they like to kick people...repeatedly...in the shins. The first half saw both teams go close, with the A's forwards continuing their almost remarkably disgraceful form (only mustering one goal between them in 5 matches). Key saves and blown opportunities meant the teams entered the break even at 0-0.

Halftime proved expensive for the A's as Matt Morgan was forced to leave and 28 year old Jason Ganus had some sort of homework to attend to.

With 9 men, the A's put winger Kyle Cermak's rehabilitation program on his torn hamstring into hyper-drive by...you know...by asking him to play right midfield on a team with 10 men in 42 degree weather. Priorities. The two teams scrapped back and forth and in the 64th minute Andy Kern's chopped/one hopper, rebound shot was just enough to give the A's the lead. The A's defended fiercely and took their chances as they came, through counter attacks and slow build ups. McNellie's however, weren't to go away empty handed. After having the majority of the possession, a quick run through the middle opened up the A's midfield and defense and one toe poke later the sides were knotted at 1-1. That's how the match ended, and that's how a match between these two "Rivals" seems to always end.

The Athletic's play defending state champion Boulder F.C. this Sunday in Jenks at 3:00 o'clock. I wouldn't go if I were you.

After the first fifteen minutes the two teams remained deadlocked with neither side having a clear cut chance. The state champions took the lead on 20 minutes and just when things appeared as if they might avalanche A's skipper Ben Fell fired home his 3rd goal of the season and once again had the sides on level terms.

Halftime 1-1

Boulder's possession/attacking brand of football really started to break the A's down (despite the efforts of center-backs Matt Morgan and Ryan Harrison) and 20 minutes into the second half they had amassed a two goal advantage at 3-1. They A's never lost their composure and continued to compete with their old rivals and were double-unlucky when in the 81st minute A's thoroughly snake-bit forward Sonny Dalesandro struck the post and then watched as Boulder strung together 7 quick passes and scored at the other end. What could have been 3-2 was now 4-1 and the teams coasted the last 10 minutes out.

Final Score 4-1. Respectable-er.

The A's take on the ridiculuosly named Slum Dog Millionaires Sunday. What what what what twat what what what what what what what what what what!

Jason Ganus opened the scoring and his personal scoring account for the season when he slotted home in the 25th minute. The reserves answered back when first team hopeful Brian McCurdy's masterful chip beat "Player of the Year" Fuzz from 20 yards to put the teams on level terms.

Halftime 1-1

The second half of a Sunday league match tends to bring out the worst in players footballing abilities. Sunday was different. The match became a cracking affair and on 51 minutes A's Captain Ben Fell rifled home from 12 yards to give the first team the lead. Then the tides turned. The reserves apparently misread the script and after a second McCurdy goal and a fine finish from former first teamer Jason Rogers they were nearing the unthinkable...upsetting the first team. With 20 minutes remaining A's stopper Ryan Harrison broke his maiden for the club and followed it up with the worst celebration in club history (it had something to do with him wearing his jersey as shorts...terrible). At 3-3 and everything on the line Captain Fell took the match by the scruff of the neck and willed (or arm-balled) in the deciding goal, thus avoiding the embarrassment of sharing points with the club's reserve team.

The A's take on reigning state champion Boulder FC Sunday at 3:00 pm at Veterans Park. There'll probably be fights and shit.

Empire took the lead on 38 minutes when reigning player of the year Kevin "Fuzz" Coleman was beaten by a sublime half-volley-chip-thing. The A's had a few half chances but were only truly threatening once or twice. The half came with Empire holding on to a comfortable 1-0 lead.

The second half was similar to the first Empire as looked a bit more spritely and in the 70th minute an Empire midfielder scored the goal of his life.

"I could tell by the look of total shock on his face that he couldn't have meant it" said A's captain Ben Fell smugly.

"I think eyes were actually shut when he hit it"

The A's tested the opposition's goalkeeper on a couple of occasions but he proved equal to all tasks offered. When the final whistle blew it meant 0 points had been taken from thye match, but it seemed more like the end of a brilliant era in club history that may never be duplicated (mostly because of our annual weight gain).

The A's take on the B.A.A.C. Reserves Sunday, and what reserve team honestly could threaten their own first team?

The only thing impressive about the forward line was their combined age, 91 years old (Dad Kern 60 & Sonny Dalesandro 31). Neither team really had any clear chances during the match and had the teams played for another 5 hours, a goal still would have seemed unlikely.

The A's would like to send an apology to their season high 11 fans for their lackluster start to the spring campaign.

The Athletic's face off with Empire F.C. Sunday at Vetran's Park. As Kyle Cermak would say: Beware of stray dogs and lesbians.

Boston Avenue Athletic Club Headquarters- The B.A.A.C. returned the B.A.A.C. Invitational Trophy to it's rightful place Sunday after seeing it sit in Empire Bar for the past year. Empire F.C. beat McNellie's in last year's final to earn their club's first piece hardware. So when this year's "Invitational" rolled around the A's did what any noble club would do...uninvite last year's finalists and play a one game final with last season's 8th place team. Perfect plan, right?

Sporting F.C. were beaten soundly 5-1 at the hands of the Athletic's towards the end of last season and were a far inferior opponent. So when a few new faces showed out for the cup tie no one really knew what to expect.

"We wanted our cup back. That's it! Mikey and I didn't drink until 4:30 this morning in order to not whoop a little ass today." said B.A.A.C. V.P. Jordan McKenzie

It must have come as quite a surprise then when on 28 minutes the underdogs took a 1-0 lead. The A's, as they did all of last season, remained composed and continued to create chances. Posts were hit numerous times and the opposition's goalkeeper was playing well beyond his ability, pulling off tremendous save after tremendous save. The game always felt as though it would see an equalizing goal but soon the 70th minute had come and gone, then the 75th. As the desperate hour approached A's midfielder Andy Kern was left unmarked on a corner kick and saw his powerful header breach the Sporting F.C. goal line. The A's continued to pressure and try to score the cup winning goal but saw their efforts again saved and denied by the woodwork.

End of regulation 1-1

Penalties.

The A's have never been to penalties....and here is what happend

B.A.A.C. Sporting F.C.

Ganus (wanker) X O

A. Kern O O

Dalesandro (loser) X X

Knipfer O X

Harrison O O

Ryan O O

Aycock O O

Cermak O X

Welcome home B.A.A.C. Invitational Trophy!

It was truly fate that D.T.U. was the only thing standing between the Athletic's and their long overdue glory. D.T.U. fielded their finest 11 players and made it extremely apparent from the kickoff that it would take another top notch A's performance in order to gather the precious three point necessary in to be crowned champions. The A's were equal to the task.

"We were stunning two and a half weeks ago...I think" said A's captain Ben Fell

"All I really remember is that D.T.U. had a bunch of (good)players and that everything we tried came off without a hitch"

After 25 minutes of play the A's finally broke down the opposition's defense and a centering pass was neatly slotted home by clutch marksman Jason Ganus. Long spells of brilliant possesion failed to produce another goal but succeeded in keeping D.T.U.'s crafty forwards at bay.

Halftime 1-0.

Nerves appeared to creep in a bit as the A's finish line was now in sight. A back pass fell short of "Fuzz" Coleman and his massive presence was all that prevented the game from being equalized. The B.A.A.C. regained their composure and on 75 minutes Ganus came up trumps again, and by "trumps" I mean that Mikey Hawkins shot the ball off of his leg inside the six yard box. Nevertheless the two goal cushion was all the stingy Athletic's backline needed see the game out. They held serve and now your beloved Boston Avenue Athletic Club can forever be known as.......CHAMPIONS!

Final Score: 2-0

To understand the club is to know it's history. The B.A.A.C. (which at one point toyed with such names as "The Boston Stranglers" and "The Boston Boston Terriers") was firmly founded on the demented and totally debauched ideas of some of Tulsa's biggest drunks and dirt-dicks, so you can only begin to imagine how the post game championship celebration went down.

At the immediate conclusion of the match all of the players "ducked" a beer, and from there Danny Kern fucking took over. Danny had to be home by 3:00 p.m. because he and his lovely wife were hosting the weekly "Kern Dinner", so even heading up to the Mercury Lounge for one beer was going to be cutting it pretty close on time. Danny had 3 shots before any other player arrived to the bar. Upon other players arriving Kern finished beer after beer with the tenacity of starving rabid pit bull in butcher shop. As 3:00 neared President Dalesandro made the obvious executive decision of personally calling Danny's wife (for this the club would like to issue an official apology to Stephanie) and telling her that our game that had been over for an hour had gone to double sudden death overtime and Danny was unable to talk because he was on the pitch playing (biggest lie of all). During this time Danny had to be restrained from running into the street and petting a man with a hunchback. It gets better. At 5:45 (you know...as overtime was finishing) Danny Kern left older brother Andy with his tab and vanished. Disclaimer: The B.A.A.C. does not condone driving whilst intoxicated unless...you don't wreck and/or get a ticket. Once Danny's glowing presence had left, he was reached by phone to be further tapped up for glorious one-liners. Danny explained from the cavernous sound of his home bathroom that he gotten home and taken off his knee-length white sliders only to find that he had shit in his pants. The details of the shit will not be discussed at this time, but either way he was unable to stand up in the shower and furious wife Stephanie was forced to cancel "Kern dinner"...which sorta sucked because Danny had invited the entire team to attend and enough booze had been flowing to give the invitation a very intruiging quality.

The club led by McKenzie, Fell, and Dalesandro have not stopped drinking since that day November 16th, until now, at which point I wrote this article. Sorry about the delay.

Surprise article to be posted in one week.

The B.A.A.C. was in desperate need of all three points if they were to remain on course to hoist the club's first ever league title. Fill-in left back Danny Kern expertly slotted in A's forward Dalesandro in the 12th minute for the games opening goal. Ten minutes later the lead was doubled when left winger Jordan McKenzie's pinpoint pass was neatly finished (McKenzie's second assist in two games for those of you worldwide who follow the dynamic ginger lefty). Andy Kern extended the lead 10 minutes before the break when his no angle chance was beautifully finished.

Halftime: 3-0

History was made after the match. The B.A.A.C. filled out their first ever referee complaint form (sorta surprising...I know). During the first half the linesman invited fan favorite McKenzie to join him in some un-friendly fisticuffs and though the two never met for a round of skullduggerous fisticuffs the grudge was admittedly carried over when the Assistant Referee allowed an offsides goal to stand. At 3-1 the A's refocused and skipper Ben Fell registered his third tally of the campaign when his well struck effort overpowered the Dallas United keeper. At 4-1 both teams seemed content to simply kick the piss out of each other, and so they did...for 25 minutes.

Final Score 4-1

Well folks, the table has been set. Sunday's match is the season finale and a victory does in fact secure the club's first ever league championship. So if you were to set up a dream scenario wouldn't sound something like this? Sunday 3:00 p.m., beautiful Veterans Park, and who shall we play?You got it.....

D.T.U.

Whether you live in another country or secretly read this website at work everyday, book your flight, clear all your days activities, buy a B.A.A.C. shirt online, and get your ass down to the Vet Sunday to see history. Also it's team picture day.

"We were more prepared today" said Athletic's defender Josh Knipfer

"When I got to the match it appeared as if Sonny had actually slept at the field, he was laying there on the uniform bag, totally focused"

The two sides were completely mismatched Sunday and the B.A.A.C. took a 4-0 lead into the interval.

The second stanza was mostly experimentation in which defenders Pennington and Knipfer made up a formidable strike force, no actual goals were tallied between the two, but trust me it was formidable. A late Aycock goal cancelled out a goal conceded earlier by Danny "nice save Danny" Kern.

Final score 5-1

The B.A.A.C.'s match Sunday against Dallas United will most likely be their toughest of the campaign. A victory would see the club sit atop the league table with merely one match to play...against DTU...at Veterans Park...for all the marbles. I have a boner.

The London squad ravished by injury resorted to fielding a more local team consisting primarily of players from the Sapulpa and Sand Springs area. The move was also due in part to the Gunners having to play West Ham United just three hours prior to kickoff and five thousand miles away.

On 22 minutes Andy Kern slotted home his fifth career goal for the club and gave the Athletic's all the lead they would need. Arsenal remained a scrappy adversary for the remainder of the half and even forced 'in-form' goalkeeper Kevin "Fuzz" Coleman into action on a few occasions.

Halftime: 1-0

The second half saw the B.A.A.C. shift gears and become more dangerous through long spells of possession and quick combination play. On 67minutes the A's scored their first and long overdue set-piece of the season as Ben Fell rolled the ball and Dalesandro's effort proved too much to handle for Arsenal goalkeeper Manuel Almunia.

"It's about damn time!" said A's forward Dalesandro

"I've taken about fifteen free kicks this season and none of them have been worth a shit, in fact, a sixty two year old man without gloves caught one last weekend, my confidence really needed this."

With nine minutes to play "Man of the Match" Ben Aycock put forward Jason Ganus in for a one on one, Ganus kept his cool and cinched the three points for the club.

Final score: 3-0

The Athletic's have three matches remaining and with three victories guaranteeing their first ever league championship the bars on the corner of the 18th and Boston have upped their regular liquor orders an estimated 35%.

The A's missed a total of 9 one on one's with the oppositions goalkeeper. The bad news was that Dalesandro and Ganus's finishing was diabolical, the good news is that it didn't really matter. A brace by B.A.A.C. Captain Ben Fell and a spectacular effort by A's forward Mikey Hawkins was all the cushion the Athletic's needed to retake their place atop the league tables. The opposition had a bloke that made dolphin noises and another who called a time-out during the match, so the end result of the match was never in question.

Socktoberfest is next weekend and the A's will look to defend their title whilst attempting to endure 5 games in 2 days. The only real guarentee is that they will all be "keg drunk" following the event.

The result was important in the sense that McNellie's (2nd in the tables) didn't earn the three points that would have seen them regain the top spot in the tables. Since the points were split the B.A.A.C. retains a one point edge over M.F.C. in the standings.

McNellie's appeared the more spritely of the two sides, and though the teams entered the break knotted at zero, M.F.C. seemed far fresher following Thursday night's clash between the two clubs. In the 72nd minute youth seemingly prevailed as the Publicans took a 1-0 lead and appeared to have the three points locked up.

"To be honest, I have no fucking clue how it went in" said a jubilant Sonny Dalesandro in regards to his 83rd minute equalizer.

"The ball was in the six, I slid in, I don't even really remember how it all happened. All the lads know that I've only scored three 'pretty' goals in my whole life, today's was was just a regular 'Sonny' goal...shitty and worth one point".

Ben Aycock's clearance off the line and steller play in the back earned him his second career "Man of the match" award.

With five matches to play The A's play only one team (Dallas United) in the "Top 4" positions of the table and appear poised (knock on wood) to be in the drivers seat to hoist their first ever league title...lock up you're liquor cabinets.

"When you work hard off the ball offensively and you keep possession, it makes it difficult for any opposition to get into any sort of rhythm, thats what we did, and we looked solid"

The A's took the lead on 15 minutes as Jason Ganus's driving run drew two defenders and his lay-off pass was smashed home by A's Captain Dr. Tommy Kern. Twelve minutes later "Man of the Match" Jason Ganus was at it again. The Athletic's had strung ten passes in a row together before the ball was played wide to in form defender Josh Knipfer, Knipfer's cross was probably hit two or three inches too hard....and because of that the "Goal of the Year" voting has now been closed. Ganus's stunning diving header doubled the A's lead and left McNellie's visibly dejected.

Halftime 2-0

The B.A.A.C. came out strong in the second half but saw the lead divided when a "not a foul, then too quickly taken free kick" drew McNellie's to within a goal. With their morale boosted the opposition become slightly more threatening, and when A's center back Ben Aycock's babysitter fell through, he was forced to exit the match prematurely further weakening the A's back line. With fifteen minutes remaining controversy struck again when M.F.C. were awarded a penalty for a seemingly fair (seriously) tackle. As they say in sports "The ball never lies" and the Pub's spot-man was unable to keep his nerve, sending the penalty well wide. In the final five minutes M.F.C. threw men forward and managed to force a fine save out of A's keeper Kevin "Fuzz" Coleman. With 30 seconds left, Dalesadro (who might have been lost, as he was sort of playing left-back) dumped a long ball over the top and Jason Ganus again found his way free and slotted home the back breaking blow. As he laid on the ground exhausted the final whistle was blown. Game-Set-Match Athletic's

Final Score: 3-1

The two teams get to do it all over again Sunday when they meet on the same field Sunday at 3:00.

For tonight A's fans, the Athletic's, for the first in their history, sit atop the table. Sleep tight you beauties.

As far as heated rivalries go, Sunday's fixture was far and away the tamest affair between the two clubs with no fights, very few bad tackles, only one yellow card, and at one point (with 42 minutes to play) even saw one team offer the other a draw.

The A's looked in control for long spells during the fixture with only their finishing denying them a more convincing result. Dalesandro and Ganus managed to make a mess out of several golden oppurtunities. However, for as poor as the finishing was, the A's defending and constant possession more than made up for the two strikers incompetence. A's defender Josh Knipfer was the best on the day scooping his fourth "Man of the Match" award of his A's career. Knipfer won tackles, kept the ball, won a couple of corner kicks, and in the end...pushed forward and drew the game deciding penalty.

Final Score: 1-0

The A's face McNellie's twice in four days as the two sides clash in Jenks on Thursday and Sunday. Games have been heated in the past and these fixtures promise more of the same. Though the standings have not yet been released, Two victories would certainly see the Athletic's hovering somewhere near the top of the table. Go on the boys!

The A's looked the more lively of the two teams and on 25 minutes a Dalesandro penalty gave the them a well deserved early lead. Five minutes later a DTU wonderstrike against the run of play leveled the two sides. Surprisingly an emotion completely uncharacteristic of the B.A.A.C. suddenly emerged and swung the run of play back to the A's.....the emotion of composure. The now "composed" A's went straight to the basics of keeping possession, moving off the ball, and properly defending and were rewarded two minutes before the halftime whistle when newly signed Brazilian superstar Guy opened his goal account with a sublime chip.

Halftime 2-1

David Pennington is known more for playing Edward 40 hands with 2 liters of soda and keeping an on hand stable of bitches than making blazing runs up the flank and scoring at will. Pennington, a fixture at left back in B.A.A.C. matches is a very solid defender who does honest work and plays a simple brand of footy which usually yields very few mistakes. Why am I talking about David Pennington so much? David Penningon absolutely fucking shut down the DTU attack in the second stanza. He won a dozen tackles and multiple headers in the final ten minutes alone and forced the disheartened opponents to realize that today, September 21st 2008, there will only be one result....3 points going the way of the Athletic's.

Final Score 2-1

The A's face another rival Sunday when old friends Alliance travel to the Vet for a 3:00 match. Luckily the forum is presently broken, so all shit talk prior to the match will have to be done via the mail. Sunday is also B.A.A.C. Day as all 4 of the clubs teams play back to back to back to back matches. Beer will be readily available.

The boys play arch-nemesis DTU tomorrow in Jenks at 5:00 p.m. The usual twenty five Jenks police officers will be in attendance to attempt to keep things under control. Good Luck!

B.A.A.C. Headquarters- There are several things that the Green squad could say about Tuesday night's match that could theoretically make them feel better about themselves.

"The Yellows play this terribly unattractive, defense first, counter-attack style that is not conducive to anything that resembles entertaining footy." said visibly weeping A's forward Sonny Dalesandro.

However, if you listen very closely, you can still very clearly hear the tears of the humbled Green squad above any form of justification that they are able to muster.

In a legendary game legendary characters rise to the top. So who better is there to open the scoring than A's legend Jordan McKenzie. McKenzie pounced on the Green's 15 minutes in, and though the teams entered halftime at 1-0 the psychological damage had been done.

Los Amarillo's came out hungrier in the second than in the first and proceeded to bury their opposition with calculated and precise counter attacks that extended the lead time and time again. Greg McKenna scored in the 35th minute and again in the 41st. Yellow A Jason Ganus brought the scorline to 4-0 before Brian McCurdy scored a goal that only mattered in the sense that it denied the Yellow squad the ultimate chance to humiliate the Greens, by shutting them out. Ben Fell rubbed salt into Green wounds when with 6 minutes he slotted home the fifth goal of the match.

Final score: Yellows-5 Greens-1

The playoffs begin next Tuesday when the Yellows get a chance to avenge their only defeat of the season as the take on Inter United whose 3-1 result serves as the only blemish on their otherwise perfect record.

The Greens face a stubborn Legend side who they drew 4-4 in the season opener in the other semi-final.

Let us all hope and pray that these two teams don't meet again in the final or December 21st 2012 might get bumped forward four and a half years (Nostradamus and the Mayans know what that means).

B.A.A.C. Headquarters- How big is tonight's match? Tonight's match is so big that the B.A.A.C. commissioned famed French trophy maker Jean Paul Six,Sept,Huit,Neuf,Dix to custom craft the "B.A.A.C. Trophy", a 24-carat gold masterpiece.

"The trophy is presently en-route from France an will arrive today at 4:15 sharp." said B.A.A.C. President Sonny Dalesandro

"We have essentially emptied our account in order to get this J.P. 6,7,8,9,10 original, and from the looks of the picture sent over (above) yesterday it appears more beautiful and even bigger than we had hoped."

The teams, separated by only one point at the top of the table, do battle tonight at 8:00 p.m. on Jenks field 11. The only thing that has been guaranteed by both squads is that the field will be painted red by game's end. Tune in tomorrow for the dramatic outcome.

BAAC Headquarters -

In the second part of our series leading up to BAAC Derby Day next Tuesday, BAAC Yellow powerhouse Jordan McKenzie was kind enough to imaginarily drop in to give his thoughts on the big intersquad match-up that has had the Oklahoma soccer community on the edge of their seats all summer long. McKenzie's candid thoughts about this historic event meander through the mind of a possible genius whose victory celebration is legendary. Buckle in, people... This is how an interview is done right (Take notes, Cermak... puss!).

So, Jordan... your reputation as a hard partying footballer who loves the piney highs is legendary. How do you go about preparing for such a big match?

"Well, I wrestle bears to be honest. If you can out-wrestle a bear, you can easily dominate a team of underweight pipsqueaks like the green team. Take a look at Drouillard, Pennington, Cermak, or Flynn. Just a bunch of pretty boys who probably think they are tough guys when they run over a squirrel. You would never mistake any of those pussies for a grizzly bear, would you? No, you wouldn't. The yellows are full of tough as nails characters that won't take shit from anyone. And we get a lot of ass. The greens are a bunch of married or engaged homos."

Well, it sounds like you aren't scared of the competition. What else do you do to prepare for a match like this?

"With my reputation, you would assume I just drink and get high, right? Well, no sir. I just pull out my secret weapon... Baby camouflage. With all those greens that are married, they are softies. So, before the match I get a sack full of little babies. Then when we have the ball, I throw the babies on the field. The greens will be so worried about the little ones, it will be nothing but open goals for us. With that secret weapon, I'll give you the scoreline... Yellows 15,253 - Greens 2."

You certainly are confident. Is there anything about the greens that worries you?

"As long as they don't have a grizzly bear on their squad, I ain't worried about shit."

Well, seeing that you are predicting an easy victory, do you have any special celebrations planned after the match?

"Of course. You can't spell "Jump up and down celebrationz king" without Jordan McKenzie (See that folks? He is a genius!). The first thing I will do is crack open a cold beer and pour it on a kid. There's nothing like pouring beer on a baby. Then I am going to have Trebek give me "The Rapist" for six hundo. After that, chicken dinner."

Well, speechless as you might be, McKenzie's insightful view into the upcoming Derby gives us a unique perspective of the fiery nature of the match. Tune back in tomorrow as Coach Charlton tows double duty this week preparing both teams for the big game and gives us his insight into the training preparations for such a huge match and who the players to watch out for might be.

BAAC Headquarters -

Next Tuesday's BAAC Derby marks the first time that two BAAC squads will face each other in a competitive match. The newborn rivalry will be history in the making as both squads have fired verbal missiles in each other's directions throughout the summer campaign. In our first series of previews leading up to the match, BAAC Green winger Kyle Cermak gives us his take on the upcoming derby and what is on the line with this historic final game of the regular season.

So, what are you expecting from the upcoming derby? There is a lot of buzz surrounding this match right now.

"It is an exciting proposition to play in a derby like this. Every year, the lads look forward to matches like this, and the supporters should be very excited to see us take each other on. And, being that this is the first time in our club's history that a match like this has taken place, it is a very big game. I think there will be some interesting match-ups all over the pitch."

So, what match-ups are you looking forward to during the run of play?

"Well, the first one that jumps out at me is Josh Knipfer and Sonny Dalesandro. These two have long awaited to face each other on the pitch, so I will be very interested to see who comes out the victor in that battle. I am absolutely convinced that one of them may kill each other with a trident hidden somewherre in the Jenks soccer complex. Ryan Harrison and Jason Rogers also will be a interesting battle. Harrison used to run Rogers ragged in the youth set-ups, so there is some history there. Ben Fell and Tommy Kern are both tough tackling midfielders, so I expect so physical play there as well. Really, all over the place there will be good footballers facing each other."

Is there anyone you are particularly interested in facing? Anyone that you are really worried about?

"Greg McKenna and Dustin Crane always work hard and seem to get on the score sheet for the yellows. Greg is a strong player that can go forward and score goals. Dustin is a work horse that will run the opposition ragged. So, if I get in a head-to-head situation with either of them, I know I have my work cut out for me. I am just looking forward to a good physical game that will test who wants these three points more."

But, you didn't really state anyone that you are looking forward to facing. These answers are pretty tame, Kyle!

"You think so? I figured I would just give out standard answers to your questions so as not to upset any of the yellows before game time."

Well, that's kind of the puss way out. Everyone knows they are a sensitive lot, but the fans want some blood and thunder.

"I know that the supporters will be in full voice come next Tuesday. And we will give them plenty to cheer about. As far as who I look forward to facing... Well, that moment will come in the match. I have something special planned for a particular member of their squad, and it should be fairly easy for me to pull it off. There is a little bit of a revenge factor behind it for me, so we will see the outcome. I am well up for this derby. I just hope the yellows are as prepared as they think they are."

So, there you have it, folks. Cermak perfecting the art of saying something without saying anything at all. Part II of our big derby preview will showcase tomorrow with a member of the BAAC Yellow team giving their preview of the big BAAC Derby game next Tuesday. Stay tuned.

For any player to hit 100 goals for one club is a very special achievement. Any club in the world would cream for such goal-scoring prowess and loyalty from an individual player. On Tuesday night, with the very first kick of the ball, Sonny Dalesandro hit the century mark for Boston Avenue Athletic Club. And the celebrations that ensued afterwards forced a one hour delay for the match to continue.

As soon as the opening kick-off found the net from the instep of Dalesandro's right foot, a one-man ticker tape parade ensued that baffled the opposition and stunned his fellow teammates. Immediately, Dalesandro passed out New Year's Eve style party favors to everyone on the pitch and even gave the referee two noise makers and a party hat. He took a record of six laps of honor, repeatedly blowing kisses to the trees on the west side of the field. The four women in the stands were initially amused by Dalesandro throwing his jersey to them one at a time, but after the eighth time of doing so, two of them got up and left. Dalesandro's also littered the field with streamers that would endlessly emerge from his underpants as if he were some sort of circus magician. "I've never seen anything like it," noted winger Kyle Cermak. "It was like his ego exploded into a gigantic pile of confetti and a high school pep rally replaced a perfectly good evening of football."

Approximately 60 minutes after the kick-off, the first half reconvened and the Athletics just took charge of the match. A complete team defensive effort was a marked improvement over last week's scare against Fulham's reserves. The offense, though potent throughout the match, was severely unlucky that the scoreline was not larger than the final outcome, with several efforts hitting the post during the run of play. Overall, it was a great team effort to remain at the top of the table.

After the match, Dalesandro was asked about his fantastic individual achievement. "It was a special moment for me that I didn't want to end. I hold this accomplishment in the same vein as Cal Ripken's 2131, Lance Armostrong's Tour de France victories or even Arsenal's 49 games in a row. I have achieved one of the great moments in sports history. You could see it from the looks on my team mates faces during the celebrations. Especially when DP went to the store to get dinner for everybody to hold the squad over until my laps of honor were done. The lads wanted me to have my moment and no dinner time was going to interrupt that."

Hot off the heels of the aformentioned special moment, the biggest match of the club's history arrives next Tuesday. The BAAC Green and the BAAC Yellow finally face off in the most anticipated match of the summer. Stay tuned to the website for continual coverage of the build-up to kick off as play-off implications hang in the balance and longstanding but oft withheld hatred shall rear its ugly head until the match is over. Match-ups all over the pitch shall be analyzed and both squads will give their opinions leading up to the first whistle.

Greg "Shoeless Craig" McKenna had the games first tally and things seemed to be going as planned. Ten minutes later, and completely against the run of play, the opposition equalized.

"Sometimes a goal against the run of play, whether it's deserved or not, can change the confidence of both teams, and that's exactly what happened tonight." explained disappointed midfielder Dustin "Precipice Dunkston" Crane

"They didn't do anything spectacular they just out-worked us and caught a few breaks."

The game could've genuinely gone either way at 1-1 and when Inter United took the lead with twenty minutes to play the game beckoned for an equalizer, but time and time again Los Amarillos attempts were either close misses or found unfriendly woodwork. With 1 minute to play Inter sealed the deal with a counter attack goal while the Yellows were all pushed forward.

The game also introduced the "distance traveled meter" wherein the amount of running during the match is calculated. Skipper Ben Fell was the first to have this new technology tested on him, only for it to reveal that he had only traveled 184 meters during the match. No worries Ben, it was damn hot out there sort of.

A special shout-out goes to East coast representative Joey Ryan, keep your head up kid, we'll see you in T-town real soon.

For pre-season training, London's Fulham FC has decided to release certain fringe players to the States to participate in NEOASA's world famous summer 7-a-side league. "The Cottagers" have so far not produced the results that Fulham boss Roy Hodgson would have liked, and their run in with the BAAC green team would allow them no quarter entering Tuesday night's match.

The first period opened at a brisk pace with the Athletics Green offering no relief on lose balls and constricting the passing lanes for The Cottagers. A brilliant effort from an impossible angle allowed Mitch Hefton to open the scoreline for the Athletics. This signal of intent from the BAAC green would signify a solid first half with similar quality efforts from Bryce Flynn, Brian McCurdy and Sonny "Red Card Mafioso" Dalesandro.

The second half was a different story entirely. The Athletics almost seemed to take their foot off the gas and allow The Cottagers to creep back into the game. Poor team defending was allowing the opposition the space and time they did not have in the first half, and they took advantage by scoring a few goals to bring the scoreline almost level. But, the Athletics buckled down and two solid efforts from McCurdy and Cermak did just enough to seal the three points for the BAAC green to secure their place at the top of the table.

Summertime is usually known as "the silly season" amongst footie fans all over the world. Transfers between football clubs throughout the globe open up, and the supporters often speculate who their club might sign and sell to ignite the hunt for silverware. Events surrounding Boston Avenue Athletic Club are no exception to these possibilities. However, a simple misunderstanding between Athletics' midfielder Patrick Ryan and the club's chief scouts David Pennington and Kyle Cermak has lead to a transfer bid that has the club's finances in turmoil.

As many people know, Patrick Ryan is a handsome man who can grow a full beard in under the time it takes to make minute rice. The prominence of such body hair also leads one to practice a recent trend known as "Manscaping." The modern woman cares nothing for gratuitous body hair. They want smooth chests and well manicured men's nether regions. Long gone are the days of hairy man thighs and comments such as, "It's a veritable forest down there." Men are cleaning up their act from front, back and side to side.

Over lunch one day, Ryan was explaining to Pennington that the new key to his success was something known as "arse shaving." As Pennington is always on the lookout for new ways to impress the ladies, he explains that he felt obliged to pass on this gem of advice to his fellow team mates. "I thought Paddy gave some sound words on arse shaving. I should have know better than to share this with El Kyle."

The one-track minded, footie mad Cermak, fresh from spending several weeks doing nothing but watching the 2008 Euro Championship, understood that the key to success would be "Arshavin." As in Russian striker Andrei Arshavin. Fucking Cermak.

So, the club have apparently lodged a $45 million bid for the Zenit St. Petersburg superstar. Cermak states, "Dude, I'm sorry. But, what do you expect? I think about footie more than eating. You say "Arse Shaving," I think of a pixie sized, commie ruskie who played lights out on the international stage. For me, that's somebody else's bad for not clarifying."

Club sponsor's Spirit Bank are doing there best to find the non-existent money that Cermak has forced the club to pony up should their bid be accepted. Paul Cornell, Spirit Bank's Deputy CEO, was rumoured to have said, "Who on Earth is Boston Avenue Athletic Club?" Stay tuned to the site as details develop in this exciting and tragic transfer saga.

God bless

10-1

Trailing 3-1 with fifteen minutes to play, Los Amarillo's dug deep and equalized with key goals from Patty Ryan and Greg "Craig" McKenna. However (and the league should know this by now), you can't let "Chodes" get the ball with the game on the line.....and the opposition did just that.

Game. Set. Match.

The 4-3 victory places the Yellow squad alone at the top of the tables with six points from two games. So for tonight....sleep tight Los Amarillo's, and may you have dreams of an off-balance "Chodes" with the ball on the outside of his favorite right peg with the game on the line.

The Green's high pressure and combination play was more than Inter United bargained for in the first and as a result the scoreline read 6-0 entering halftime.

The second half saw Inter United and their 21 substitutes wear down the Green's and their sub but the end result was never in question. Bryce Flynn's solo effort seeing off two defenders and opening up his goal account was the straw that deflated the camel's house on fire.

Final Score: 7-3

The Green's take on last year's semi-finalists FC United next Tuesday in Jenks at 8:00.

Josh Knipfer scored 5 minutes into the season opener and then everyone else scored some too. Greg McKenna opened the second half by shooting the kickoff directly in....which is mean. Hell, it was an old fashion ass-whoopin' and there's not a whole lot more that can be said.

The high flying Yellow A's take the field again Tuesday night at 6:45 pm on Jenks field 10-A when they face a team so cleverly named Basic. If Basic's quality is matched by their cleverness, the score could be 50-0.

"We had the better of the play for the majority of the match and when we took our first lead with 8 minutes to play I thought for sure we could kill the game off" said Green A's Captain Dr. Tommy Kern

"It's still early in the season, I'm sure our teeth will get sharper as the year goes on"

The Green A's effort wasn't a heartless one however. Trailing 3-1 with 25 minutes to play a Dalesandro brace on either side of Kevin Drouillard's fine effort gave actually put them the lead for a very brief spell. When the spell wore off Legend equalized and both teams looked both deflated and content with the scoreline for the remaining few minutes.

The Green A's take the field again the 1st day of July at 6:45 pm on Jenks field 10 B.

Boston Avenue Athletic Club Headquarters- As B.A.A.C. Green and B.A.A.C. Yellow begin pushing through their arduous pre-season regimens trade rumors and trash talk have begun to swirl like the tornado's that grace our lovely plains. Here is a guide to help separate the truths and fabrications.

False: Jordan McKenzie was not traded to the yellows for for ten maple baseball bats (it was actually minor league pitcher John Odom, and he was traded to the Laredo Broncos).

True: Jordan McKenzie was involved in the trade that sent himself and A's forward Jason Ganus to the yellows in exchange for A's hot-head Sonny Dalesandro.

False: A's attacking defender Josh Knipfer stayed up until 5:00 a.m. on a Thursday requesting this trade via text message.

True: It was 4:49 a.m.

False: Dustin Crane is able to spell the word guaranteeing (guaraenteeing)

True: Dustin Crane has been training everyday and has guaraenteed* that the title heads the way of B.A.A.C. yellow.

False: Everyone will have a wonderful time playing seven on seven soccer this summer.

True: When these two teams meet it will be a bloody civil-war-esque battle, and one of these teams will hoist the cup!

We hope this guide has been helpful and we will keep everyone posted as these two squads prepare to dually defend a title that can't be shared. The two are set to scrimmage at the B.A.A.C.'s secret training grounds at 3:00 on Sunday. Results will be posted.

Dallas, TX - As the Athletics sent out chief scouts and first team regulars Kyle Cermak and David Pennington to Dalllas, TX to monitor the status of on-loan superstar David Beckham, they discovered something that would fascinate the club beyond the realms of the human imagination....

His name is Peter Vegenas. Wikipedia informs us that this relatively unknown fotballer is in his tenth season with the Galaxy. Anyone who can deal with Galaxy GM Alexi Lalas for that amount of time is a patient man. But, what Cermak and Pennington found so utterly awe-inspiring is that Peter's last name so nearly resembles the most precious part of a female's anatomy.

Immediately the BAAC took notice and wanted to explore signing Vagenas to be a huge part of the club. Pennington states, "I am a huge fan of Vagenas. From the first time I saw Vagenas I knew that I wanted Vagenas to be a part of my life and our club for a long time. Vagenas delicate touch on the ball is enough to get any man excited. And when Vagenas is on form, for my money, there is nothing better than a good Vagenas."

Cermak's response was, "Being a married footballer, I am committed to one and only one Vagenas. But I feel like myself and the club has chosen the right Vagenas to be committed to." The club's hopes that a deal for Vagenas can be struck at the weekend... and, wink!

Due to the increasing need for people in life to feel like a champion, the interest in playing seven on seven soccer for the B.A.A.C. has grown at an equal rate. So when 24 people expressed interest in playing on one seven vs. seven team, something had to be done. Drum roll please..... DRAFT DAY! The first annual (perhaps last annual) B.A.A.C. draft was held Wednesday night at the Summit Club in downtown Tulsa. Brothers divided, best friends separated, and drug connections severed.

ESPN and B.A.A.C. draft analyst Mel Kiper Jr.

B.A.A.C. Green

Round 1 David "Dad" Kern

Kiper- A+ The "chalk" so to speak. Dad brings 71 years of playing experience to the table and is the most versatile player on the board.

Round 2 Jordan McKenzie

Kiper- B Might have been able to get McKenzie in the later rounds, but when you think "Green" team, Jordan's an incredible choice.

Round 3 Dr. Tommy Kern

Kiper- C+ Getting your team physio and a midfielder in one swoop is a good tactic. Questions surround Kern's fitness while playing in a youth medium jersey.

Round 4 Kyle Cermak

Kiper- B+ Cermak's regimen of playing soccer 13 times a week guarantees fitness and touch. A steal in round 4.

Round 5 Connor Cross

Kiper- A This pick clinched the yellow team being without a doctor on their roster. Monopoly intact. Plus his name sounds like he should be an ace detective.

Round 6 Kevin Drouillard

Kiper- D+ Performance swings solely on how tight or loose his leash is. Usually tight

Round 7 Mitch Hefton

Kiper- A His real name is Billy Mitch Hefton. Which RULEZ! Plus he possesses the confidence in himself to challenge Greg McKenna to a foot race. Go on!

Round 8 Ryan Harrison

Kiper- B+ Harrison has already puked on a member of the B.A.A.C. Yellow's car. No denying where his heart is.

Round 9 David Penninton

Kiper- C- Pennington would have been in the F range due to his lack of drinking and drug use. His womanizing is improving by the minute though. Literally by the minute.

Round 10 Jason Ganus

Kiper- C Not a bad pick for the 10th round. Most likely will go out on loan to the T.C.C. Tigers to get 7 or 8 years of experience before being recalled.

Round 11 Danny Kern

Kiper- A+ Danny showed he can score from anywhere last season. If he starts scoring on the other team, he'll be the steal of the draft. Huge upside. I had him in round 2 on my card.

Round 12 Ben Aycock

Kiper- A Has "cock" in his name. An automatic A on anyone's board.

Round 13 Bryce Flynn

Kiper- C- Usually a reserve player. This will be a huge step up in class for the big man.

B.A.A.C. Yellow

Round 1 Mikey Hawkins

Kiper- A- His size makes it look like he's playing on a full-size field. A perfect fit.

Round 2 Greg McKenna

Kiper- F The captain of the reserves? Round 2? McKenna had two own goals last season and as of right now there are no teams in the league called the "Cougars" for him to dominate.

Round 3 Josh Knipfer

Kiper- B+ "Hat-trick Hamilton" is a scoring defender, which is probably an oxymoron. Regardless, he's a good scoring defender

Round 4 Clarence "V" Boyd

Kiper- C The Ricky Williams of the B.A.A.C....except he's never gone to Canada for the sole purpose of smoking weed.

Round 5 Ben Fell

Kiper- C He yells alot.

Round 6 Dustin Crane

Kiper- C+ Risky gamble in the 6th round. Attendance is a constant concern, however, his lovely Cali locks keep getting dreamier and dreamier.

Round 7 Justin Christian

Kiper- C Could be tough to adapt his slide tackle always philosophy into a "no slide tackling" league.

Round 8 Patrick Ryan

Kiper- D Will be hampered game in and game out by the fact that his freshly shaven pre-game face will be fully bearded by halftime.

Round 9 Matt Morgan

Kiper- D- If Crane was a "risky" pick than Morgan is Russian Roulette. His 1.3 matches atteneded per 10 game season is dreadful. That, and he may live in OKC now.

Round 10 Andy Kern

Kiper- B+ We've learned that Kern will not be playing this summer (Kern's rights are retained by Yellow). Club and agent/wife couldn't come to terms. Something about diapers.

Round 11 Sonny Dalesandro

Kiper- F- Eligibility now in question after he elbowed three league officials at draft after party. Plus he took a drunken swing at me. Bastard.

Draft Summary-

B.A.A.C. Green- B+

Solid from top to bottom. A doctor monopoly is bigger than you might think. Who's going to diagnose the infections the Yellow team get? Ben? I rest my case.

B.A.A.C. Yellow- C-

Could go either way. Looks disastrous on paper. Their entire team revolves around attendance. They're going to need to get hot (and by hot I mean show up) around playoff time.

This did not happen.

Apparently drinking until seven can on occasion severly hinder ones ability to run for ninety minutes dtraight. Never was this more evident than during the entire ninety minutes of the match versus Uncle Soco. There were no highlights in this match. It may go down as one of the most embarrasing defeats in club history. Tommy Kern narrowly beat out the wind for "Man of the Match" honors. The A's suffered a 5-0 defeat at the hands of the biggest bunch of chest bumping twats in the entire world. Bad news man. The End

According to sources (Wikipedia (furthering the absoluteness of this website)) 4:20 was the pre-determined time of day when a group of teenagers from San Rafael High school would meet to partake in the smoking of cannabis cigarettes. The ritual later popularized by fans of the Grateful Dead, declared April 20^th as an entire day in which to celebrate “the weed”.

No players will be mentioned by name as having celebrated this holiday however it should be mentioned that only three refrained.

So, how would this affect the performance of a team who is currently sitting in 9^th place in the league tables?

“I thought we played fucking awesome today!” said…uh…Gordon McFrenzie (alias used to protect players’ actual identity)

“Look, I see it this way, I smoke prior to any function be it a soccer game or collecting the morning paper, so I can say with complete objectivity that we were amazing today.”

The A’s did appear inspired and were extremely unlucky that the match ended with such a close scoreline. The first stanza saw the Athletic’s nearly open the scoring on several occasions and had it not been for the stellar play of the opposition’s goalkeeper it could have easily been 3 or 4 to nothing entering the half. Instead the teams were deadlocked at zero at the intermission.

The second half was more of the same as the A’s worked together beautifully setting up several attractive movements only to be thwarted by posts, near misses, and crucial saves. At the hour mark A’s midfielder Dr. Tommy Kern picked out forward Dalesandro whose low, close range shot was just enough to give the B.A.A.C. the lead. Even though the Athletic’s possessed a one goal advantage, the pressure to double the lead was unrelenting. One ball cleared off of the line and two of the best saves possible in a men’s league match not only close, but somewhat interesting. At the end of the day however, it was the staunch performance by the Fort Knox-esque A’s defense that kept the three points well guarded. The third shutout in a row brings the “total minutes without allowing a goal” streak to a remarkable 330.

Final Score: 1-0

The A’s march into action again this Sunday in Jenks on field 1 at 3:00 versus Uncle Soco’s who coincidentally presented the club with their first ever indoor soccer defeat, snapping a streak that had spanned the better part of two seasons. Revenge will be sweet.

Such facts include, but are not limited to: David Kern IS from Constantinople, Spirit Bank DID donate $500 million to the club, and that 4 year old Max Halve is a player for the club.

The Association for the Preservation of Fundamental Believers of Semi- Verifiable Scripture has certified that the information contained in this website is not only factual, but that it may be the actual word of God. "We don’t see any reason to think the B.A.A.C would embellish any information, as they are all pretty good guys", says spokesman Delphine Sugarton. The APFBSVS is currently the leading authority on whatever it decides, including the Bible, the Book of Hilarious One-Liners, and Whether or Not Your Cousin’s Camaro Really Beat That Guy’s Porsche Last Week.

Any questions about the truthiness of this or any BAAC.com articles should be directed at one’s nearest pet, because if you cant figure it out yourself your dog is probably smarter than you.

- Jeremiah Wolfingtonstein, raconteur and plus size model.

The injury occurred during a play in which Henson was actually auditioning for Cirque Du Soleil. Eamon commented that although the injury may have been non-soccer-related, it would have been an impressive move were there special effects involved.

The general feeling around the B.A.A.C. is somber, and the players have taken to going about their normal business of drinking and working day jobs. During Henson’s recovery, teammate Jordan McKenzie will be playing left mid-field and guarding the goal with his mind. Team administrators wish Henson a speedy recovery, and urge anybody willing to play goalie for a six-pack of Pabst to contact the team office, situated along the world’s largest swimming pool at San Alfonso del Mar.

As a side note, this reporter does not endorse leg-breakage, or any associated surgeries.

-Wolfe Steinburgenhauser

Wolfe Steinburgenhauser is a BAAC team insider and author of such essays as The Repatriation of The Sudan and What I Did For Spring Break

The match marked the return of A's captain Ben Fell who prior to the game had been sidelined for 23 months with turf toe and bronchial congestion. Fell's arrival immediately gave a boost to an A's backline that up to this point had been accused of having a slight case of vertigo. Once the defense was in place, the midfield and the forwards quickly followed suit and on twenty minutes Andy Kern gave the A's there first lead of the season when his well placed volley beat the Alliance keeper. First half goalkeeper Eamon Henson came off of his line on several occasions to clear the ball safely out of danger and to reinforce the already sturdy back line as the A's went marched into the break with a solid 1-0 lead.

The Athletic's made it clear that they were going to take the game to their old rivals when 2 minutes into the half Andy Kern tried his luck again from twenty yards away. The effort left a bit to be desired but it certainly stamped the A's mark of intent on the game. With the momentum now in the B.A.A.C.'s favor it was only a matter of time until the lead was doubled and on 65 minutes that was exactly the case. Kyle Cermak's pass started the move and the goalkeeper standing completely outside of his goal mouth finished it.

At 2-0 up, the A's refused to become complacent and continued to put out the same effort that had earned them their lead.

"Every player did their part today. From the goalkeepers to the forwards, we proved that we don't have to put on an attractive show every time we play, we only have to show that we're more willing to grind it out." said jubilant A's skipper Ben Fell

With 15 minutes remaining the A's stuck the dagger into the heart of their old adversaries when Josh Knipfer's 50-yard pinpoint ball sent forward Sonny Dalesandro through one on one with the keeper. It is rumored that Dalesandro considered doing 36 different things with his opportunity prior to his final decision, in the end he just calmly slotted the ball along the ground past the goalkeeper, terribly boring, but effective.

With the three points secure the game did require a couple of top notch saves in order to keep the clean sheet clean and second half keeper Kevin "Fuzz" Coleman was equal to the task on every occasion.

Final score: 3-0

The tension will remain high for yet another week as arch-nemesis D.T.U. travel to the Vet next Sunday for the fiercest "slightly overweight/certainly out of shape/obviously past their prime" men's league rivalry in all of Northeastern Oklahoma. 5:00. Be there or…..just don't be….fine!

Winger Kyle Cermak decides to share his feelings this week about who he would fight a bear with and who should never enter a church. Read on... This is BAAC Teammates!!!

Best Trainer and why?

Umm... In all honesty, I'd have to say myself. I'm probably the only one in the squad who trains during the week. Granted, my short time in the game requires me to do so. I hope that one day I will be bitter enough like the rest of the lads to never again do drills, run or play more than once a week.

Worst Trainer and why?

For me, I would have to say Danny Kern. Although, in fairness to Danny, he does approach training as a means to consume a lot of beer directly afterwards. So, I do applaud him for that.

Quickest?

This debate has been ongoing for some time. I think Ganus, Sonny and myself just need to settle it one day with a nifty little 50 yard dash, elementary school field day style. That way it cannot be debated any further.

Slowest?

Without any doubt in my mind it is Andy Kern. Watching Andy run is literally like watching a slow motion replay.

Biggest Moaner?

I saw that most of the lads say Pistol for this one. Although there is some truth in there, I have to be different and say Jason Rogers. I have never played with nor watched Jason play where he has had nothing to say. Always banging on about something, and inevitably you'll owe him five bucks. No one has ever called me a wanker so much in my entire life either.

Who is the hard man on the squad?

I would have to say Josh Knipfer. One time we were having a intersquad practice over the summer and Josh tackled me, which resulted in me being on the physio's table for two weeks. I rest my case.

Most intelligent member of the squad?

Tommy may be a doctor and all, but I have to say DP on this one. Anyone whose official job title is "Spirit Sherpa" has truly figured out how to win at the game of life.

Least intelligent?

I think if we measure this on how long certain people have been in college without actually having received a degree, it is a coin toss between Ben Fell and Jason Ganus.

Worst dress sense and why?

This is a hard one because it is all about perspectives. However, I have seen Sonny go out in public in some outfits that either require immense courage or a total lack of decency. So, I have to give it to Sonny. DP is a close second because all of that J Crew shit just doesn't work for me.

Best dancer?

Two weeks ago, I would have said Justin Moreland. However, after a dance off was set up in order to finally establish who was the best, Ben Fell gets my vote. I never knew he had it in him.

Best singer?

I would have to give this to myself due to my past as a musician. Although screaming isn't singing, I can still churn out the butter when it comes to the vocals.

Most likely to pull the ladies?

DP can pull some wool, but average looking, 20-something ladies in Tulsa are always trying to get married. So, that works in his favor. I give this one to Greg McKenna. Nailing cougars on a regular basis is no easy task, yet G-Mack pulls it off with style and grace.

If you could pick one teammate to fight a bear with, who would it be?

Hmmm... I think Jordan McKenzie would be the best. One time Jordan fought four dudes at once and put two of them in the hospital just for taking a poop at his bar. Then he hit me in the chest to illustrate his point the next day. I think the bear would need help just to fight Jordan.

What is your favorite food to eat on the toilet?

Trail mix, because its fun to watch it leave in the same form it went in.

Who in the club can consume the most booze in under an hour?

There are a lot of the lads who can drink a lot of alcohol in a short amount of time. But, based on a game of quarters I saw when I first joined the club I have to give this to Sonny. He can just bury some booze with a sense of purpose.

Which WAG has the nicest titty meat?

The only bobblers I know anything about are my wife's... And they are just lovely. The kind you would make a commemorative stamp about.

Which player's skin burns the most whilst in a church?

Maybe Justin Moreland... It's tough getting up on a Sunday to praise the lord when you've been out most of the night trying to break all ten commandments. So, JP gets the nod.

Who is most likely to drink their own pee-pee for a tenner?

Moreland did this for a five piece last year, but a tenner is some serious scrilla. So, I think with the right amount of booze and coersion Ben Fell would certainly be convinced of doing this.

Who would most likely be the fastest in a race rolling down a hill?

Danny Kern. Gravity + mass = velocity.

If the BAAC were to do a tasteful semi-nude calendar, who would be January?

I think Fuzz would be the best. It would really start the year off right. Fuzz's mustache would give the calendar that old school Burt Reynolds feel while satisfying the modern needs of women with his svelt abs.

If Jordan McKenzie were on a dirt bike and Josh Knipfer were on a pony made of lightning bolts, which red hair would win the race?

Knipfer would win this, solely because a Pony made of lightning combines the elements of strength and magic the club promotes in our crest. Jordan on a dirt bike would clearly be a sight to see though.

Which teammate will serve the most prison time from this point forth?

Tommy Kern. A little truth or dare in the operating room results in the largest medical malpractice case in the country's history... but that is merely speculation of course.

Best Trainer and Why?

Jordan McKenzie. He is always in tip-top shape. I haven't seen anyone be so hung over and play so hard for ten minutes at a time.

Worst Trainer and Why?

I think the rest of the team. We have all said we need to get back into shape every season, however we never, ever train.

Quickest?

Eamon Henson. How quick he gets of his goal line is simply mesmerizing.

Who dishes out all the nicknames?

Ben "Bing Falls" Fell. Ten minutes with Ben and it is guaranteed that you will not walk out known by the same name you walked in with.

Biggest Moaner?

Pistol...

Who is the hard man of the squad?

Dr. Tommy Kern and Dustin "Precipous Dunkston" Crane.

Most intelligent member of the squad?

Well, Tommy since he is in medicine... duh! On the field? Hmmmm... Probably Ganus or Sonny.

Least intelligent?

Man, I am just not going to call someone out like that.

Worst dress sense and why?

I think that most of the team has issues with dress. They all tend to say its "just their style," but we all know it is crap. Fedoras only look good on girls anyways.

Best dancer?

Justin Moreland. The butt hop is legendary.

Best singer?

I guess Kyle nabs this one, since he was in a band. But, they were only some sort of heavy metal outfit, so I am sure he just screamed all the time. If that's singing, then Pavoratti is rolling over in his grave right now.

Most likely to pull the ladies?

Best Trainer and Why?

Eamon Henson or Fuzz. It's all about the goalkeepers union. man.

Worst Trainer and Why?

All of the field players. Again, it's all about the goalkeepers union.

Quickest Player?

Jason "Smellsligh/Greg Lou" Ganus

Biggest Joker?

Ben Fell or myself... "Nice save, Danny!"

Biggest Moaner?

Pistol

Who is the hard man on the squad?

Dustin "Precipice Dungston" Crane or Dr. Tommy Kern. Josh Knipfer is in with a shout except for the fact that he just fouls people... there is a difference.

Most Intelligent Member of the Squad?

Soccer I.Q. is Dungkston. Regular I.Q. is without question Dr. Tommy Kern, aka idiot savant

Least Intelligent?

Clearly Kyle Cermak for not realizing the repercussions of adding this feature to the website.

Worst Dress Sense and Why?

I'd have to go with myself. A fedora with sweat pants and soccer shoes isn't really ever going to catch on, is it? (No matter how Italian you are)

Best Dancer?

Ben Fell from the first team hands down. Justin Moreland is probably the club's most famous (or infamous) dancer though.

Best Singer?

"Best" is a really bad category. Kyle is probably the best. But, he is only one of a few who are constantly making up and singing the most ridiculous shit known to man.

Most likely to pull the ladies?

D.P. hands down... ass up... that's the way... we like to...